This would be my last post in this blog. I quit blogging. I must admit that I have lost the enthusiasm in blogging. Please do check out my previous posts,and hope you'd enjoy it okgood. =D
Thank you everyone for being supportive,take care and see you guys on the other side or on the road. Good bye. Cheers! =D
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
i'll protect you
"can't you just speak softer in public?"
"can't you just control your behavior?"
"why are you so stupid?!"
"go away!"
"can't you just stop holding cars on your hands when you're out to public?? Pass it to me! or else i'll throw it away! Now!!"
"if you say that again i'll whack you up!"
and the most cruel phrase i've said:
"why do i have a brother like you..."
criticizing, scolding, blaming, misjudging, beating etc..
that's how i treated my elder brother.
I was the one who brought him to playground when primary school. Got once, my classmates saw me, and they asked me who's he, "what's your name". my brother couldn't answer him. "tell me who's he keetat!"
"he's my cousin.."
That's what i answered. after coming back from playground, i beat him up. i felt so shameful, scolded him blaming him why can't he just answer my friend's question, why can't he just look normal behave like normal kids. I was just standard 2.
i started to lecture him, even until now since around standard 5. Dad was working Penang, eldest sister was in the uk, so there're only 4 of us staying at subang: my mum, 2nd sis, my bro and i. since then, i could only describe myself as a cruel animal on ways i've treated him. i caned him, scolded him whenever he's naughty. i even slapped on his face and got his ulcer burst and bleeding. i threw away his most loved cd, i imputed my fault to him and he got beaten by dad at the end... there're so many things i've done to him..
he had high fever, coughing, flu and many kind of sickness since the age of two month until about 4 years old, so basically his brains has been damaged. he couldn't learn like us; he could only speak but doesn't know how to write or read, not even numbers, could only differentiate colors.
We used to go to the same kindergarten when i was in penang, he was 6 and i was 3. I remembered he was tied up on the chair by that lady as he was too hyperactive, and whoever goes near to him will be punished. and what i did, was just standing at the corner looking at him, helplessly...
he got his first epilepsy attack when he was 11, the day when he started to consume medicine everyday. I still remember that night, he was sleeping with my grandma on the double bed, whereas 3 of us slept on floor. i was woken up by everyone in the bedroom, his whole body got cramped, eyes turned up, holding my mum's hands tightly. he couldn't breathe that time, as saliva accumulated at his throat. his mouth was bleeding, he couldn't open his mouth at all and he has accidentally bite his tongue, face turned black. he struggled for about 5 minutes, and quickly we sent him to the hospital. the day after we went to pantai hospital for blood test, ct scan etc. and he couldn't eat anything that time, due to the bite on his tongue.
seeing his medicine increasing year by year, from half a tablet per time until 3 tablets now. his memory will get worse, ulcers will always growing, and headache, those are the effect of taking the medicine. i scolded him before, for him being short term memory: i passed him something, and after about few seconds when i asked him, he couldn't find it for me.
we just had our conversation, he asked my sis to call me up. my sis told me that he misses me a lot (although i've been treating him so mean and badly). i told him i've bought him tshirt from norway and barcelona. he sounded soooooo happy.
only a tshirt, he's already satisfied. He loves car a lot, but many times i refused to buy him one as he has one whole cupboard of hot wheel cars. Just a car worth RM5 and he would be happy for a week, why was i so mean?!?!?!
my mum and i went for fortune-telling about two years back. i still remembered what he said: your brother might be having problem next year, you all have to take care of his health and his safety. (The problem was actually referring to his life time might end in 2008) Also, take note in the next ten years, he might leave you all. I cried that night, in my bed with blanket covered over my face. I told myself, no matter how i wouldn't let it happen! i'll take good care of him, out of my best! and thank god, nothing happened..
Many times, in my heart, i always say: i love you brother, but i never say that to him. somehow i feel awkward. lol.
And right now, i'm feeling damn unwell. my heart feels painful every time i inhale. what would he does when he feels unwell? he'd just probably sitting there, surprisingly (as he always moves around), but couldn't describe which part of his body is feeling unwell. many times in midnight, he sat up and whacked on his head. when i was young i said he's mad; but after that only i know, he's having headache. whenever he tells us his stomachache, actually he's having diarrhea probably or stomach is "windy". whenever he says his heart is painful, maybe his "sam hau" is feeling unwell. sometimes he's telling me his knee is painful too, but i didn't take any action. >___< WHY AM I SO MEAN?! WTF! F YOU CKT!
Brother, no matter how thing goes in future, I WILL DEFINITELY PROTECT YOU, EVEN IF IT TAKES MY LIFE!! may god bless him, to be healthy and safe always..
"can't you just control your behavior?"
"why are you so stupid?!"
"go away!"
"can't you just stop holding cars on your hands when you're out to public?? Pass it to me! or else i'll throw it away! Now!!"
"if you say that again i'll whack you up!"
and the most cruel phrase i've said:
"why do i have a brother like you..."
criticizing, scolding, blaming, misjudging, beating etc..
that's how i treated my elder brother.
I was the one who brought him to playground when primary school. Got once, my classmates saw me, and they asked me who's he, "what's your name". my brother couldn't answer him. "tell me who's he keetat!"
"he's my cousin.."
That's what i answered. after coming back from playground, i beat him up. i felt so shameful, scolded him blaming him why can't he just answer my friend's question, why can't he just look normal behave like normal kids. I was just standard 2.
i started to lecture him, even until now since around standard 5. Dad was working Penang, eldest sister was in the uk, so there're only 4 of us staying at subang: my mum, 2nd sis, my bro and i. since then, i could only describe myself as a cruel animal on ways i've treated him. i caned him, scolded him whenever he's naughty. i even slapped on his face and got his ulcer burst and bleeding. i threw away his most loved cd, i imputed my fault to him and he got beaten by dad at the end... there're so many things i've done to him..
he had high fever, coughing, flu and many kind of sickness since the age of two month until about 4 years old, so basically his brains has been damaged. he couldn't learn like us; he could only speak but doesn't know how to write or read, not even numbers, could only differentiate colors.
We used to go to the same kindergarten when i was in penang, he was 6 and i was 3. I remembered he was tied up on the chair by that lady as he was too hyperactive, and whoever goes near to him will be punished. and what i did, was just standing at the corner looking at him, helplessly...
he got his first epilepsy attack when he was 11, the day when he started to consume medicine everyday. I still remember that night, he was sleeping with my grandma on the double bed, whereas 3 of us slept on floor. i was woken up by everyone in the bedroom, his whole body got cramped, eyes turned up, holding my mum's hands tightly. he couldn't breathe that time, as saliva accumulated at his throat. his mouth was bleeding, he couldn't open his mouth at all and he has accidentally bite his tongue, face turned black. he struggled for about 5 minutes, and quickly we sent him to the hospital. the day after we went to pantai hospital for blood test, ct scan etc. and he couldn't eat anything that time, due to the bite on his tongue.
seeing his medicine increasing year by year, from half a tablet per time until 3 tablets now. his memory will get worse, ulcers will always growing, and headache, those are the effect of taking the medicine. i scolded him before, for him being short term memory: i passed him something, and after about few seconds when i asked him, he couldn't find it for me.
we just had our conversation, he asked my sis to call me up. my sis told me that he misses me a lot (although i've been treating him so mean and badly). i told him i've bought him tshirt from norway and barcelona. he sounded soooooo happy.
only a tshirt, he's already satisfied. He loves car a lot, but many times i refused to buy him one as he has one whole cupboard of hot wheel cars. Just a car worth RM5 and he would be happy for a week, why was i so mean?!?!?!
my mum and i went for fortune-telling about two years back. i still remembered what he said: your brother might be having problem next year, you all have to take care of his health and his safety. (The problem was actually referring to his life time might end in 2008) Also, take note in the next ten years, he might leave you all. I cried that night, in my bed with blanket covered over my face. I told myself, no matter how i wouldn't let it happen! i'll take good care of him, out of my best! and thank god, nothing happened..
Many times, in my heart, i always say: i love you brother, but i never say that to him. somehow i feel awkward. lol.
And right now, i'm feeling damn unwell. my heart feels painful every time i inhale. what would he does when he feels unwell? he'd just probably sitting there, surprisingly (as he always moves around), but couldn't describe which part of his body is feeling unwell. many times in midnight, he sat up and whacked on his head. when i was young i said he's mad; but after that only i know, he's having headache. whenever he tells us his stomachache, actually he's having diarrhea probably or stomach is "windy". whenever he says his heart is painful, maybe his "sam hau" is feeling unwell. sometimes he's telling me his knee is painful too, but i didn't take any action. >___< WHY AM I SO MEAN?! WTF! F YOU CKT!
Brother, no matter how thing goes in future, I WILL DEFINITELY PROTECT YOU, EVEN IF IT TAKES MY LIFE!! may god bless him, to be healthy and safe always..
Saturday, 6 June 2009
it's almost there..
Hi guys,
Am finally done with the exams!!! Bye second-year!! Also bye to my parents' RM100,000 +____+
Seeing my flatmates shifting things out from their room today; the flat contract ends on the 20th but four of them are going back to their hometown: two from liverpool (French and German), one from cambridge (Dancing)and the last one from london (Bio-related stuffs).
Kinda of moody today, as i'll be sure missing this room. 9 months of staying here, spent most of my time in this room... Will definitely miss being alone too. Sounds weird right? haha. but sometimes it's better for staying with a bunch of unknown ppl as we wouldn't bother much on each other, free from arguments, full of privacy, and the best thing is, we are all carefree person.
The followings are the photos of my kitchen. Wanted to shift out during the first month staying with them, but now, i've adapted to it. In fact, i've already joined their group on the invisible facebook group named "stacking rocks!" lol
Also, coz life after exams is too bored d, and since i got nothing to do, so i've uploaded a video of myself playing the first movement of chopin piano concerto no. 1 (excerpts) Sorry for playing wrong notes, and hope you'd enjoy. lol
Last but not least, thanks to those who left msgs on my chatbox, believing in me that i've the will to succeed! Thank you!! And no worries, i ain't emo at all laaaaa. Writing those doesn't mean i'm emo ok?? lol
Am finally done with the exams!!! Bye second-year!! Also bye to my parents' RM100,000 +____+
Seeing my flatmates shifting things out from their room today; the flat contract ends on the 20th but four of them are going back to their hometown: two from liverpool (French and German), one from cambridge (Dancing)and the last one from london (Bio-related stuffs).
Kinda of moody today, as i'll be sure missing this room. 9 months of staying here, spent most of my time in this room... Will definitely miss being alone too. Sounds weird right? haha. but sometimes it's better for staying with a bunch of unknown ppl as we wouldn't bother much on each other, free from arguments, full of privacy, and the best thing is, we are all carefree person.
The followings are the photos of my kitchen. Wanted to shift out during the first month staying with them, but now, i've adapted to it. In fact, i've already joined their group on the invisible facebook group named "stacking rocks!" lol
Also, coz life after exams is too bored d, and since i got nothing to do, so i've uploaded a video of myself playing the first movement of chopin piano concerto no. 1 (excerpts) Sorry for playing wrong notes, and hope you'd enjoy. lol
Last but not least, thanks to those who left msgs on my chatbox, believing in me that i've the will to succeed! Thank you!! And no worries, i ain't emo at all laaaaa. Writing those doesn't mean i'm emo ok?? lol
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Pissed off
Sometimes just feel like punching on my own face.
What the hell am i doing??
Why am i fooling around??
What's going wrong down my nerves right now??
Why can't i just be steady??
Why can't i just be matured??
Why am i repeating the same mistakes again and again??
Why can't i just hold tight on promises to myself?? If that's the case who's gonna trust me in future??
Why there're times when i know it's not necessary of doing or saying such thing yet i'm still doing it??
Why am i always talking without reservations??
To pretend that i know a lot?? To grab attention?? Wanna be special??
What's my fucking problem?!?!?!
DAMN IT!
Tongue is not a steel, yet it cuts, and even kills someone!
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!
X(
What the hell am i doing??
Why am i fooling around??
What's going wrong down my nerves right now??
Why can't i just be steady??
Why can't i just be matured??
Why am i repeating the same mistakes again and again??
Why can't i just hold tight on promises to myself?? If that's the case who's gonna trust me in future??
Why there're times when i know it's not necessary of doing or saying such thing yet i'm still doing it??
Why am i always talking without reservations??
To pretend that i know a lot?? To grab attention?? Wanna be special??
What's my fucking problem?!?!?!
DAMN IT!
Tongue is not a steel, yet it cuts, and even kills someone!
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!
X(
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
人
"人比人,气死人"
相信大家都听过这句话吧.
刚刚看了一些朋友的个人资料（from facebook）
心里不断的羡慕：哇好厉害哦！运动读书样貌身材体魄家境样样都可以哦！
以前从报章读过一句：一个人的出世家境已经决定他人生的一半，除非他的命宫很好。
出世在有钱的家庭，读书的钱不必担心、出来工作家里可以替他供车期、打算做生意有父母在背后作靠山、或者是接手父亲的生意、可能还做得更好等等。
有些人就可以一世都平步青云地活着。
我，很清楚自己是哪根葱。
读书不是第一，运动不用说完全没有（所以想必身材也是没看头的哈哈），体魄不如人，家境算是不愁吃不愁穿都过得去（在此谢谢我的父母亲给我一个这样美好的家庭）
明年我就毕业了；正式开始工作了吧。想买车，头期钱都没有叻！想买屋子，最少三四百千叻！去哪里找钱？？打工一个月赚2300扣来扣去最多也是剩个四五百罢了。还想什么结婚开创事业呢？哪个屁来做咩？？？二十六七岁结婚的话，当时至少要有自己的屋子和车子了呗（当然是处于供的状态），头期钱总额至少也要最少RM40，000吧。。
很多人每次说我在英国很省，当然呀。钱难赚！我可没有那个能力一个月花几百磅！
每次羡慕别人的同时，心里多少都会自卑……
每次都责问自己为何以前不运动，至少现在身体会健康很多。
为何自己的性格那么有问题？真的以为自己那么“yeng”有自己的性格咩？放屁啦！！！！
他们都好好噢，可以说是没弱点，可为何我自己那么多啊？！？！
自卑后的心情，大家都了解吧。
唉声叹气也没有用的啦！
出生为一个残缺的小鸟，就需要靠自己的力量把它给弄好，飞向属于自己的天空吧！再遇上风吹雨打也决不罢休！自己的前途是由自己的双手而开拓的！
激励自己！ GOGOGO!
I'll survive, and succeed! I'm TAT GOR!
相信大家都听过这句话吧.
刚刚看了一些朋友的个人资料（from facebook）
心里不断的羡慕：哇好厉害哦！运动读书样貌身材体魄家境样样都可以哦！
以前从报章读过一句：一个人的出世家境已经决定他人生的一半，除非他的命宫很好。
出世在有钱的家庭，读书的钱不必担心、出来工作家里可以替他供车期、打算做生意有父母在背后作靠山、或者是接手父亲的生意、可能还做得更好等等。
有些人就可以一世都平步青云地活着。
我，很清楚自己是哪根葱。
读书不是第一，运动不用说完全没有（所以想必身材也是没看头的哈哈），体魄不如人，家境算是不愁吃不愁穿都过得去（在此谢谢我的父母亲给我一个这样美好的家庭）
明年我就毕业了；正式开始工作了吧。想买车，头期钱都没有叻！想买屋子，最少三四百千叻！去哪里找钱？？打工一个月赚2300扣来扣去最多也是剩个四五百罢了。还想什么结婚开创事业呢？哪个屁来做咩？？？二十六七岁结婚的话，当时至少要有自己的屋子和车子了呗（当然是处于供的状态），头期钱总额至少也要最少RM40，000吧。。
很多人每次说我在英国很省，当然呀。钱难赚！我可没有那个能力一个月花几百磅！
每次羡慕别人的同时，心里多少都会自卑……
每次都责问自己为何以前不运动，至少现在身体会健康很多。
为何自己的性格那么有问题？真的以为自己那么“yeng”有自己的性格咩？放屁啦！！！！
他们都好好噢，可以说是没弱点，可为何我自己那么多啊？！？！
自卑后的心情，大家都了解吧。
唉声叹气也没有用的啦！
出生为一个残缺的小鸟，就需要靠自己的力量把它给弄好，飞向属于自己的天空吧！再遇上风吹雨打也决不罢休！自己的前途是由自己的双手而开拓的！
激励自己！ GOGOGO!
I'll survive, and succeed! I'm TAT GOR!
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