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Disappointed - Move On

2012-01-16T22:57:00.001+08:00

quite disappointed

quite annoyed

quite unhappy with

quite speechless

just simply, quite a negative thought I had

on myself

words that shouldn't be spoken

words that should be left unsaid

words that are supposed to voice up straight on the face

words that surprisingly came in mind

screwed up on something

making the situation worse

awkward and grief in between

it's either I voice it up straight or shut my fucking mouth up

shouldn't have put myself into such a situation

should have taken the initiative to speak it out initially

shouldn't have walked out

shouldn't have cared

by when only I'll understand the word 'consequence'?

Thursday Night

2012-01-12T21:58:00.000+08:00

So it's Thursday night, 2139 right now. Just had dinner and I'm totally exhausted now. Have been waking up during the middle of the night since November; I woke up at 530am this morning and couldn't sleep back after that so I decided to get out of bed around 630am and went to company nearby for breakfast. Well, was quite a fresh day to kick start with.

Life went difficult when approaching lunch hour. Perhaps I was having difficulties to conducting FA but meanwhile quite a few action items on hand. A colleague of mine actually caught my nerves down straight to ground when he just came and cut my conversation with another colleague. I mean like, show some respect please you this mother fucker??

After lunch hour I looked over my FA again, and here the other guy chasing for updates. Meanwhile I had other colleagues who sought for my help and of course, I helped. I was still in control until again, my conversation got cut again by that mother fucker. Well, I shall say such a low EQ I have, but really, I certainly felt unhappy with it and disappointed upon his this sucks-to-the-max-attitude! Who do you think you are?? I don't really bother if you're doing your work or not or you not even doing it but please, don't interrupt me, can? It made me to feel miserable and annoyed was the moment he waved to me when he went back. I mean like, what the fuck is this? Apparently you think it's not a matter at all of cutting others' conversation and you can still act it like nobody's business, or you actually know but you're just ignoring it? I don't know.

Well, somehow I started to pause and ponder since the moment I got into car until now. I don't really understand why am I behaving in such a way today. Imagine if some other colleagues do this to me again, so I'm gonna explode again? Definitely no right? Am I being just too sensitive or caring on these nonsenses too much? I imagined myself being in his position, perhaps he was actually thinking his words were more important than mine since he's the senior, I'm not sure if I'd do the same thing to my subordinates but definitely I wouldn't cut one's conversation. If say it's the first time I can still indulge, but this fucker has been doing it ALL OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN. And too bad for myself, I was really in such a bad condition today (perhaps even by now I still do) so you actually triggered me until the max. I have never gone into such a stage ever since the first day I work here. Thanks for being the first. As a saying goes within WD - You true colours will yet to be revealed. The longer you stay here, the more unpredictable you will find yourself gonna be. I always practice to be rational and firm when working but today, I failed. failed.

Recharge and restart tonight, please. Give me a good night tonight, dear God.

Tens

2012-01-07T13:52:00.000+08:00

How many ten years does one have
It's within within all fingers that I have I believe, the count number
Things that happen for each cycle
Things that happen to happen for each cycle
Things that will never happen for each cycle
Life is unpredictable

Thur the Loser

2011-12-23T23:27:00.001+08:00

Listening to 人间 right now. Mixed feelings I have. I worshipped this song few months back, around June to July when I was in Thailand. I could merely remember I had always put on my iPod whenever I was in Thailand - lab, shuttle bus, hotel, and even on streets.

Okay, now T T plays 过眼云烟. Used to hear this song last month, fell for it directly. Got touched by the lyrics and of course, her angelic voice and emotions beneath it.

Something happened in office today, that I somehow realise, no matter how good a friend is, he or she can still ignore you just for his or her very own reason. Just so disheartening to know that a person that you once care so much can you just ditch you so easily. I understand that everyone keeps changing including myself, but when time passes by, when the internal flame fades, that is when the equilibrium of peace breaks. I was very upset with my own performance after that incident. I hate begging people, especially on those who are not being helpful or put in self-emotions while working.

Well. Conclusion. Don't ever give up, and only I, live for myself. There's no one out there who can protect my heart and soul forever, not even my lover; Only I can let my soul to sank, or to fly up in sky, over the moon, over the rainbow. It's hard to control sometimes, but I believe all these incidents will ultimately shape me into a better person. At least, I have learnt to respect everyone more, and not to rely on anyone, since I'm just so fragile to be hurt again. It's crucial to understand how strong your heart is, agree not?

Amen.

Long Lost Feeling

2011-12-06T22:09:00.001+08:00

Yes, so I just had my dinner and snack. Had to take that snack or it'll end up in the bin as it's not tasty; didn't manage to finish a bowl of soup as I was kinda of full; I had a choice to choose to finish which dishes - everyone has their right to choose.

Today I was kinda like, got whacked on head and a tight slap right on my face, part of it it's due to my carelessness, shame on me. But I just don't understand how could one behave in such a way that they actually know what's going on but they could just answer you - nope you're correct, that thing DIDN'T WORK, but in fact that thing is working FINELY just that I had overlooked some parts of it. I mean, why need to be like this? What kind of attitude you have inside your heart actually? A fake ass? What's the point of faking around, claiming that you're a super nice person but actually you are not at all??? In the end, the person who helped me out was the one who has been self-claiming a selfish person! I wasn't feeling good because previously I had some argument with that selfish person but in the end I got betrayed by that nice person!?

I had actually sent out a personal message to you but in the end I recalled it when I was advised not to do so or I'll regret. Well, I still feel like shooting you on face for being a hypocrite! Who the fuck are you qualified to teach me to judge a person when you're such an ass hole? Yes, you say you have high EQ but I don't think with a dishonest and tiny mind will bring you long though! God Bless You!

Okay, so back to the title of this post. Someone reminded me again on the cruelty of this society and world that no one owes me anything - they do have the right to CHOOSE, NOT TO HELP ME, and see me to die alone. Well, there's always a saying - explore this world with an open heart, embrace whatever pain it gives to you and in the end, you'll realise, there're so much loves being spread around us; it depends on how we look at it really. If I were to be thankful, I wouldn't curse you right here so much, and I would say - thank you for reminding me that no matter how difficult also I should face this alone, and even if I'm facing any problems, if you don't feel like teaching I can't do anything too. If I were to be kind, I might consider to think that you were actually tied up with something so you can't help. But still, I can't still convince myself that even you're really busy so you could just simply answer others as that result could be crucial!

Mind my own business, and that's it. Face the world alone, lock up all my emotions. And remember, when there's need to begging please, I will really need to do so, no matter how high my pride, no one will forever be a winner, and also a forever loser that will never be.

出路

2011-11-27T21:32:00.001+08:00

听说2012年是世界末日
话虽如此但到底有多少巴仙又会是事实
活了22年即将迈进人生的第23年
23这个数字有时候觉得很陌生有时却不以为然
究竟我要的人生是怎样
身为掌控者的我却连最基本的问题都不懂的回答

活了22年
很多时候都不太了解自己的内心世界
没有真正地明白哪些事情我是不能玩的哪些事情我是必须坚持的
很多时候都是到受伤了才知道自己流血了
一直以来都是不过如此

整个人生不太辉煌但也不太暗淡
开心的事情伤心的事情
都是足以让我沉醉于几天甚至几个星期甚至几个月
这也代表了人世间没有任何事是永垂不朽的
开心也会过期失落也同样会过期
两个人即使在一起也是有孤单的时候
一个人跟自己的影子玩耍时也是别有一番风味
可是怎么说都是多另一个影子在身旁比较幸福

我想找条出路这到底有没有出路
我信佛这到底有没有帮助
我试图接近幸福可什么是幸福
我概念模糊
我虔诚地向佛祈福
一切都会过眼云烟
指引着我走完人生的这一条路

《2046》

2011-11-20T13:01:00.001+08:00

看完了《2046》，是一片旧电影。2008年曾经看过但是不太明白整部戏的内容；昨夜看了，有些部分大约明白了，但还是不太明白，为何导演会在以那种角度拍摄 - 只有他当下的情感会明白。有几句对白是另我印象深刻的。。。

爱情不是代替品。我不爱你，所以我也不能强求自己跟你在一起。

有时候我得不到答案，或许对方完全没感觉，或许对方是喜欢你，或许对方有说不出的苦衷，或许对方也不懂自己要的是什么；到最后，我唯一的选择，就是放弃。但是，只要你不放弃，你都或许会有一线的希望，或许吧。。。

爱情是有时机的。太早，太迟，都不会开花结果；即使我们当时在一起了，结局也未必会开花。

很多时候事情都是在不自觉地情况下发生，但我相信你其实也知道。人，可以不自觉地喜欢上一个人，也可不自觉地，淡忘掉一个人。我们也不自觉地，领悟了在心里其实也可以容纳几个灵魂。

故事里的主角搭上了2046的列车，是一辆通往一个永远不变的时空。但是很多人不懂是真是假，因为从来没有人从那里，回来过。

今早起身了，看着户外。伸着懒腰，影子反映出主人的无奈与不定。艺术家本来就感情比较丰富，但作为一个普通的人类，他们也是可以选择以爱观看这个世界。赞扬每个事物，震撼每一个灵魂。真诚地面对每一件事，它们都可以很美丽。

Bewilderment

2011-11-13T22:43:00.001+08:00

So I just had my dinner. Late dinner huh? Just got back from a tiring-yet-not-too trip. Met up with many people and chatted with them. Well, welcome to those newcomers into our loop! Meanwhile I also got to know that one of them just divorced not long while ago, one is going to, while the other one got into argument then got slapped and smacked. Could see blue blacks on her forearm when we were talking but of course I didn't question why.

I mean, if really you wanna commit, or don't marry. Rather be alone and shouldn't break a person's heart or even few hearts, how can human be that selfish?

When I was passing by the bridge just now, looking at the sea; my heart was calm. I pictured myself looking at this scene after 20 years, who would sit beside me when I was 42? Or there's no one beside me after all? I wouldn't know.

Well. I will pray that God will stay by me always, protecting me and guiding me to walk through all obstacles... Amen

我

2011-11-09T00:18:00.003+08:00

我要做一个认识自己的人。
或许我认识了自己，我就不会说我自己很潇洒
或许我认识了自己，我就不会说自己敢爱敢恨
认知自己的无能，才来作出决定。

我觉得最对不起的人应该是我自己吧

因为自己的过错而去影响了别人

做人果断一些

我要但你不要，肯定了后就算了

反正你都是不要，那也表示我们的沟通有问题

-王菲- 既是，我应该有的信念

此刻。恒

2011-10-09T20:19:00.002+08:00

驾驭白色轿车

路上奔驰着

20的弧度转了个弯

天上的云海

蔚蓝的天空

半山腰的一栋栋房子

眼前一片黑

原来是过了隧道

当时是听着肖邦的协奏曲1第二乐章

argerich为钢琴家

心里顿然觉得其实

梳邦这片土地其实挺好的

若天气再冷一些

或许就会觉得自身国外

很多时候

是因为坐在车上而错过了很多小细节

同样的如果是走路

会因为看不见前面的美好而觉得路途很遥远

有些人会因为路边的小草而震撼

有些人会因为雨后的黄泥路而沮丧

有些人比较特别

无论风吹雨打都是一直向前前进

一直以来我都让自己随心所欲

开心就哈哈到笑伤心就痛哭流涕

最近觉得这样做有点累了

旁人看了都问

为何不控制自己的情绪一下

为何就不让自己就是一直乐观

为何要有不开心的成分存在

其实你一点也不强

很多时候是选择了逃避选择了离开

选择了自欺欺人

嘴巴和心不对质

为何做人要这么辛苦

站在街灯下看着自己的影子

关了灯后连自己背影也不会存在

一切犹如云烟消失于人海

愤怒

2011-09-18T23:10:00.001+08:00

讲话的艺术

做人的自尊

最近很多事都做得不好

很多时候都看自己不顺眼

至于嘴巴说出去的话

开始痛恨自己讲话又再没经大脑了

说出去的话犹如付出的爱

都是一样收不回

若自己要挑战别人，就麻烦你确定你有那个能力去承受

自己乱乱讲话，

如果对象是你不在乎的人，那就还好

如果对象是你略在乎的人，或非常在乎的，那你就自重

少说几句话会死吗？

稍微理智一点想清楚，

哪些事情说了是对自己有或没有好处的，

难道自己不会衡量吗？

麻烦成熟一点稳重一点

讲到就要做到！！

对自己说的话，要负责任！！！！

Free Fall

2011-09-16T00:16:00.000+08:00

Free fall from the sky

7000 ft from sea level

The cries of hopelessness against the strong wind

as well as the soft sobs of a forgotten being

Is him

He has been pummelling himself

to within inches of his life

He has not appreciated things around him

All he does was just simply moaning and whining

Today Karma works on him

for him being so selfish and arrogant

He thought he could handle anything

as freely as the cosmic wind

however

As he fell, all way downwards

delirious with emotions and exhaustions

"How long does this gonna be before reaching ground?"

He was with his brother in room tonight

Parents went for wedding dinner

Seeing his brother lining up the toys and playing by himself - He was awaiting for Mum's return

He teared, again, the second time in a day

"How and what can I do when it's only left me and you?"

Things will come to an end and is all fated

May God bring him peace and smile

Amen

Titleless

2011-08-21T17:50:00.000+08:00

So, it's half 5 in the evening. It was raining quite heavily outside, I hate the rich humidity thereafter. Yesterday I met a lot of old citizens, most of them are at least 55? And yea. All are retired. Some are getting part time jobs, some are doing nothing at home everyday - just watching TVs and sleeping, some are having some activities going on, not so sure what kind of activities they join but, yea.

I asked myself what kind of life am I possessing to. What kind of life I would like to pursue when my hair starts growing grey? Suddenly I feel the life am having is so lovely and easy-going - I've got a permanent job, I've got a part time job, I've got a day to rest on Saturday, I've got family as my companion, I've got friends to go crazy with me, etc.! There're actually so many beautiful things in my life but why previously (not long ago, like few months back) I was just so bothered by issues that I cannot help with? I hope this mindset will stay eternally in me so that it'd be my driver of my life. I don't want to get driven by negative emotions and so-called field strength.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes I find the person in the mirror is quite a stranger, especially when I've lost control to myself. I'm glad that everything has back in its pace after the storms and tornadoes. For now, I just need to stay focused and my job and get the targets achieved. Being born as a not-so-smart boy doesn't mean I'll always need to follow after others' shadows. I believe everyone has their own expertise and of course, for it to be revealed or not to the world is on their own performance and character already; I wish I've been performing well. Yea, I don't show off of my skills but sometimes, it feels really good when one appreciates and acknowledges me or my work. So, keep it up! Don't live for others. Live for yourself. If I want it to happen, then I'm the only driver who can make it happen; for things that happen unintentionally, merry if it's something that what I've been wishing for, pathetic if it turned out to be something else. No expectations make one lives better, but life without expectations is colorless. Balanced in all the in-betweens. God bless. Amen!

怪人

2011-08-13T11:45:00.000+08:00

怪人我相信这人世间有很多
怪事其实不过是我们把接受度范围以外所发生的事情给的一个称号而已
人来人往擦肩而过的人事物又会有多少呢
黄昏里也不一定会有个美丽的夕阳

归宿可以很辽阔
可以是事业是信仰是梦想是追寻是寄托是洒脱
对于把别人变成是自己的归宿
那时你为他而活而不是为自己
浪费了父母的米真的是这样多人去死不见你去死？！？

Conceitment

2011-07-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

I was reading article on this when I was in plane just now. So many things came across my mind at that moment, now as well like duh. In the article it says, we need to conceit in order to live our life balance. One who practices conceitment can always understand their weaknesses and react towards it. They understand by making own self satisfied on something which will never come true is just like building castle in the air; One who gets controlled by emotions tend to do something that will cheer themselves up temporarily but maybe next day morning when they get up, they might fall back to the sad region again.

What about me then? It seems like I haven't got my mind set well and I always tend to do something that will cheer myself up. And yes, next day morning when I get up, or during the nights before I sleep, my mind will just be that sober enough to think of it again - an endless thoughts as usual. It's hard to control over my heart sometimes, I can't drive it properly. However, I believe one day I'll get over it. The problem will remain unsolved if I always try to escape the real issue inside just like how that article describes. I should accept my fate, my life. Just like how Lady Gaga sings, I'm born this way..

Work hard! God will bless you Arthur!

2011-07-03T12:08:00.000+08:00

Only if you can take it

or don't challenge yourself on things that you can't do

However for things that you have to challenge

Please stay your mind clear and move forward

God Bless. Amen.

Love

2011-07-02T16:21:00.000+08:00

Love, is great; not selfishness

I indeed miss you more than loving you

as there's no more other options

In life, there're many times when we're given too much options

When we got Apple launching its product, we find many limitations

yet, if people love it, they call it simplicity

Same goes here

Perhaps when one is being offered too much things

he/ she would start being picky and not being thankful

I guess this is what happening on me at this moment

I would hand my life and fate to God, again; I used to

At least, I could feel the warmth and comfort whenever I'm lost

Instead of saying I'm lost, I shall say my heart has once lost its control again

I fear I can't hold with this mindset again

However I'll make it a routine

Whenever I feel I'm losing control, I would be thankful for what you have done to me

No matter how far we are apart

No matter how much you have changed

No matter how much I have grown

Bottom of heart, Thank You for being so nice to me

There're things that I cannot get in life; same goes to others in this world

For things that we cannot even touch, we can only give up

We should love them more instead of owning them

Since nothing is eternal in this world, too

徐志摩

2011-06-26T10:54:00.000+08:00

我悄悄地到来

正如我悄悄地离去

看破了

哪怕每一天有那一刻

你都是孤独的

看着你那深不见底的瞳孔

连我的情绪也跟着被波动

心痛了

零碎地呼吸

半垂的眼神

你快乐所以我快乐

那是人类应有的七情六欲

正是所谓的情欲而改变了一个人的命盘

但是往往

不是每一件事都能如心所愿

不在乎天长地久只在乎曾经拥有

有时觉得很甜蜜有时觉得是屁话

所谓人生的道路

我又应该如何诠释呢？

狂野

2011-06-18T02:04:00.001+08:00

又再自以为是的

忘了自己到底有多少斤两重

自身的渺小自身的问题

不要仿佛自己很厉害似的

对于任何事情都套入自己的想法

讲难听一点

不见得自己的想法有多客观

还不是平凡人类一个

应该尊重大家

应该感谢别人给予的每一刻

人活在世间

除了自身也应该付出一些贡献于社会于身边的人

不是每一件事都必须很明朗化

每个人都有自己的经验与过去

对于事情的看法当然也会不同

从以前至今看过的电影有无数

从中领悟的道理又到底有多少

对于将自己的人生拍成一出戏

卖不卖座也不过是一刻的风光

自问，即使效果再日烈再感人

还有什么事

比主角能够在现实生活中

以积极的心态坚强地活下去

更为欣慰与感动呢

检讨吧

Hope - Wish

2011-06-05T22:55:00.002+08:00

Wishing everyone will be doing fine

Hoping myself to be more matured

Hoping myself to be more firm, and kind

Everyone has their own territories

Learn to respect each of them

Learn to understand the bit behind each

From there, I'd appreciate more

There are many things that shouldn't have been told

Although before we die, we might think why didn't we tell earlier

contradicting kan?

I wish, I hope

that

Everyone will be fine

I don't hope to live long

but I wish to leave this world, with a peaceful heart

竹子

2011-05-22T21:35:00.003+08:00

很多时候都不太明白人生的定义

人生短短几十年

这一生经过大风大浪

这一生过得很满足

这一生过得很坎坷

这一生，至少没有遗憾

那，大风大浪，满足，坎坷，遗憾，的定义，又是什么

还是自己太嫩了吧

想法举止一切还是如脑残一般

或许脑残的都比我做得好吧

每个人有着自己的故事

很感谢，那些愿意共我分享故事的人们，打从心里地

因为有爱有欲望有恨有绝望

才能把人生这条路

填满地很光彩

所谓上天的命运

所谓自己的宿命

其实也没有什么了不起的

每过一段低潮每过一段瓶颈

挣扎了一段痛苦了一番

一节一节地渡过

最终也会满足得

不得了的

给自己的情书

2011-05-14T21:20:00.005+08:00

自己一个人生活

自己一个人玩乐

自己一个人哭泣

自己一个人游荡

情感是优雅的

热恋是幸福的

更有人说

没谈过恋爱的人并不知道爱的力量

爱可以是你的精神支柱

爱可以让你有一个寄托

爱可以让你恢复童年与自己爱的人闹着嚷着

当自己被背叛时一切犹如梦一场

过去的事物过去的甜蜜当时的月亮当时的星空

若放不开一意执着

痛苦的是自己

对于可遇不可求的东西

不能拥有不能去碰不能感受不能享受只能哀愁

有时自慰

没有任何事是永垂不朽的

没有一个承诺是永远的

也没有说一个人是不能自己走完自己的人生的

昨天韩剧的对白：小时候是父母的疼爱大了是配偶的关怀与爱

我流泪了

因为

我懂

越美丽的东西越不能碰

明明还说分开怎么会情动

早早应该离去又竟一再相拥

可是在怎么相拥也只是对着抽象的灵魂幻想

夜幕下只得我心痛

post-mortem

2011-05-06T22:13:00.002+08:00

其实

很多时候

都是自己惹来的祸

是我自己愿意的

那，为何我的心却没有那个能力去承受

它尽可能会给自己带来的伤害

对于自己没有能力控制的东西

难道我还没有学会如何去拿捏吗？

明知道自己没有这种能耐

为何要自以为是，觉得自己很厉害似的

什么东西都好比自己都可以拿得起放得下？

我尽量，可以的话

都不想做任何会后悔的事

我可以对人多好就多好

能体谅就体谅

可是，有时候

我真的觉得很孤单

自问：所以？有什么大不了的？你孤单，你的事啦？

这次表态了自己的一些想法

却发现，其实根本没有必要说

为何要展露自己脆弱的一面？？？

又不是说对方会管你？？？

你，以为你是谁呀？？？

我要找回我当初坚决的心

我要给自己打回强心剂

我不要时不时就又要度过这种灰暗期

自己独立自己承受自己开导自己看开

fuck you. for your words.

Fuck You

2011-05-06T18:55:00.002+08:00

Maybe you were joking

Or you actually mean it but were acting as if it's a joke

And, I'm gonna tell you

You've seriously stepped on my tail

Have I ever asked for your sympathy?

Nope

Have I ever longed for you to care me?

Yes I did but not for now anymore

Thanks for saying that statement

It has reminded me to draw the clear cuts

I have to thank you seriously

coz your words warn me not to fall any deeper anymore!

Yes, I'm ranting and being childish now

but

I wouldn't care about you anymore

since, again

what I always get is just simply

SHIT

yes

SHIT!!

it's more than enough I need in life

it's still somehow my own mistakes too

for allowing myself to break my own rules again

Thank you

and

FUCK YOU

2011-04-27T20:20:00.002+08:00

you only know how hard you've tried, what about me then?

have you ever imagined the struggles find in me?

have you ever known how hard i've tried to get myself balanced? both physically and emotionally?

i'm seriously sick and tired

can i just let go everything in hands?

since most of them are the shits and pains

Trade

2011-04-26T20:22:00.003+08:00

You got attacked twice today

I was told that you actually became unconscious after the attack

I wondered why I wasn't informed at first, but, even if I was informed, what else can I do

I could only bought you an Oradex, Aloclair and your favorite cheese stick

I showered you just now, seeing the scars on your back, and the part of your swollen head which got hit on ground

I didn't cry; I in fact cried in car just now imagining the same scenario

I prayed to God just now

if there's a trade to conduct, I wish You can take my life to reduce the frequency of he getting attacked, again

It is abnormal to get attacked few times within a month

Is there a signal You wanna tell me? or us?

Please don't do that to me. God.

Please take my life, I'm willing to trade! Although I understand there're things which can't be traded in this world

Especially like I confess so much to you but it doesn't mean I'll get them back

BUT

there's any chances of reaching it

-please take my life-

I've had enough

I'm happy with my life here, with satisfaction

It doesn't mean anything to me if he's no longer in this world, and so my parents

但愿天空不再挂满湿的泪

但愿天空不再涂上灰的脸

Hatred

2011-04-10T00:09:00.002+08:00

I don't know what were the intentions behind

For you guys to spread around something that isn't friendly to us

I don't see a need to do so

of discussing things that are beyond your limits and understandings

You don't know the true stories

You only know to capture related things that are already in your preset mind

You only know to match things with your personal preferences

For those things you find them unlikely to please you,

you call them weirdos

(p/s: I'm trying not to be sinful here as you can address them with more and more wonderful names)

Sometimes I feel childish to think about I'm gonna prove to you that you're wrong,

I ain't childish as what you always say,

I ain't stupid as how you think, etc.

(It seems like you have developed so much negatives of me in your brains)

(Should I be grateful that I'm at least in some of your capacities?)

But I'm quite regretful of telling you so much my personal stuffs

Maybe, to you, you're just being a listener

but to me, I do treasure our friendship and, I trust you

That's why I'd shared with you, some of my stories

(Am I being too naive? That if I were to share my stories, he/ she should have known I do trust them and they should let go their shields when facing me, not?)

Last but not least (?)

I will never forget what you guys had done

I think I had already forgiven you all

(Yes, you can reply here: fuck I care?)

And, I'm gonna prove to you that

I'm not a wiseacre nor idiot - I pick up everything bit by bit

I'm nobody, yes. I'm no smart brains, yes.

BUT, I'm no future? No, YOU'RE WRONG

I will never expect you guys to understand

just like how i will never make myself to drill down your minds

Hopefully I won't be seeing you guys anymore, in my life

Because, I know, I might just be a fake ass when seeing you all

by saying Hi outside

but Wanker inside

Day by Day

2011-04-02T23:55:00.003+08:00

Life is short, but it can be long

whenever we undergo something difficult we wish the time to pass faster

conversely

whenever we undergo something enjoying we wish the time can just stop

That's what I thought of suddenly when I was hanging my clothes to dry. I was thinking why am I being upset sometimes when I know there are things I can't really help with, like for example, to understand why people would behave that way. Okay, don't get me wrong here. I'm not asking people to live my way, but sometimes, I really cannot understand when one can do that kind of situation at particular time, I wish to know what's the reason behind as sometimes the things they conduct are just so odd.

Today was a busy day for me - Went for rehearsal in the morning, went to old town for lunch and got back my emergency light, paid my bills, changed a door lock, brought brother for his haircut, dinner, etc. I spent my whole day with my brother today as parents were busy with renovations. Within this 8 hours time frame, he asked me to call mum for more than 10 times I guess. He felt upset when I scolded him for not looking the cars behind when he opened the door, also scolded him for putting my phone's volume to max. He said that I don't like him, and it's wrong to scold at him. I replied: Please face your mistakes and correct it. Don't always know to blame only. Glad to hear thereafter he said he's wrong, but I shouldn't yell at him. And, so, I apologized too.

What in my mind now is, how would his life be in future, when my parents are not around anymore, especially my mum. I couldn't imagine how struggling he will be. It's like when a small kid asks you: where is mum, and you'll say: she's at up there watching us. But meanwhile, my brother isn't that innocent and plain as a small kid - He has his own thoughts and he does analyse things even though he's a slow learner. There are many times when he says: I wish I can die, it seems like I'm the troublemaker to all. How disheartening to hear those words out from him.

我有很多问题解决不了的问题

我想找条出路到底有没有出路

我信佛这有没有帮助

我试图接近幸福可什么是幸福我概念模糊

290311

2011-03-29T22:30:00.002+08:00

孤单是一个人的狂欢，狂欢是一群人的孤单

孤单是一个的寂寞，寂寞是一群人的孤单。

Kinda like this quote when I was reading over someone's profile on Facebook.

Today I nearly teared out when I was in office - I thought of myself being filmed where the story line is as of my life. It seems like there are so many things I cannot do. Not like I don't want to do but is, I can't. I have been hoping for love and to be loved. Seriously, I haven't given up on this yet although it will never be, but the perpetual pain that I have on per daily basis in which I wish I could pinpoint and get them out of me whenever it comes. Last year, I remember myself telling a friend: I'm only 21 but why am I getting all these? When would it be the finale version? At this moment, now, I'm gonna repeat: I'm only 22 (in a month time) but yet, why haven't myself got out from this damn black hole? It's not funny at all to playing pee-ka-boo with this idiotic feelings since I know all these feelings will not belong to me no matter what.

Sometimes, I really hope I can say to you: I love you.

Reason

2011-03-21T00:12:00.002+08:00

Just done with house chores - folding clothes and putting them into wardrobe, and sweeping and mopping. What a good exercise after meal isn't it? :) It's 0015 now and I just had my shower. Wanted to lit up the joystick yet failed, so I ended up praying by heart; It's late night already so by right I shouldn't have lighten up anything too.

Got up by 11-ish this morning, played on my babe for about 30 minutes. When I was about to type my dad's docs but didn't manage to as mum called me to meet her up for lunch. After lunch, brought brother back home, got those docs done, packed my stuffs for badminton session at 4, and went back to shop. It was kinda busy when I reached - there're some visitors and dad was at behind to dispatch sand bags. Around quarter to 3, all things settled. I was sitting there, some unhappy things happened (argument apparently with parents), and I went off. I loitered around INTI - the place where I completed my Diploma. I disembarked at the place I used to park 3 years back, player was playing Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 1 2nd movement. I was indeed upset. There's nothing I can do anymore and I hate this situation to continue but I can't help. I let the whole 10 minutes movement to complete then only I drove back to shop; Cousin was there already, and of course, her son was already ready for the badminton session later. I set the door closer off before I went (It was supposed to be done around 2ish, if I hadn't quarreled with them. Well, it wasn't really a quarrel but just that I refused to listen anymore, and I was actually heeding their words - They asked me to leave although I knew they didn't mean it, yet I'd left). After the badminton session, drove my cousin's son back to shop, making sure there's no help required, I went back home. Showered, again, was playing on my babe again. All sad songs I had played, which kinda suited to that moment - It was raining out there, no thunder but just pure droplets. Gentle breeze, it was somehow really peaceful to me and I enjoyed the harmonic between the melodies and uneven drippings when the water hit on roofs and floors.

Mum got back, dad didn't have appetite to eat so only me, bro and mum went for dinner. I didn't talk much by then. I don't feel like talking, I'd rather be a good listener than a commenter. Definitely no one likes to be commented, especially when those words are just so true yet hurtful to be heard or told (Yes, I'm a devil). It seems like everything has got back to normal (yes it has), and I told myself not to comment anything, anymore. This will be the only solution I guess, since all dislike to be nagged or criticized and so myself of course. It is difficult to please anyone I know, just simply everyone. I questioned myself too when I was mopping the floor just now, my heart was singing Reason, the OST of Autumn in My Heart. What if they will no longer be here in a week time, would I bother if their attitude is right or wrong? Would I bother if they're unhappy over little things and they shouldn't care so much? Would I bother this.. Would I bother that.. The answer is No. I would let them be how they want to be, as long as they don't hurt each other too much then it'll be fine. Simply because this has been how they lived for years, I have no rights to change them and want them to live in the way like how I want them to be. I can't be that selfish, to ask them not to do this and that just for my own sake. I scolded my brother just now, when he yelled at mum in bedroom. I went in, spanked on his arms, and asked if he's doing something right or wrong. He answered me, wrong. I replied: you know it's wrong then why are you still doing it? He kept quiet, I left the room and continued sweeping. After finishing downstairs', I came up to mop. Mum told me when I went into her room: Your brother was talking to himself after you left the room. He was blaming himself. I wasn't at home for the whole day, he misses me and that's why he would want me to pamper him and behave stubbornly to me. He's doing something which is wrong and I should just ignore it?, I asked. Mum didn't answer me. Even if she were to, both sides also have their own perspectives.

I conversed, internally of course, when I was having shower. I don't know what are the DOs and DON'Ts. I have once lost in my world again, having things yet to be solved. I need to have a strong mindset and heart, for me to be able to stand still and firmly in any situations, and becoming the pillar of the house. Yes, that's my role. But, again, how should I behave, what should I do, what are the things I can't not supposed to do, etc. I prayed to Guan Gong, so that I would have a calm in heart.

It doesn't matter if you are being the youngest or eldest

Being considerate and having a will to protect the family is the one which matters

Yet this will doesn't mean everything; It's not a wildcard

I don't know how should I put my feelings

.....

...

I wish I can just leave my puzzles being scattered forever

Target

2011-03-17T23:11:00.002+08:00

It's gonna be half a year working at WD already. Counting down on 4th of April (nice number isn't it?) lol. I don't know what is my achievement so far, I need acknowledgements but I understand as long as I don't expect I wouldn't feel disappointed at all.

I actually thought of myself moving better than others but in fact I am weak. People who are same age as me could have done many things already, they could have achieved their goals earlier than me. Relating them to myself, what have I done in the past? Yes, project called off. Yes, no outcome. Yes, no significant improvements. Sigh.

Anyhow, tomorrow will be the last day to seeing my supervisor. He'll off for his honeymoon trip for 2 weeks. Hopefully I wouldn't screw up anything within this period, and can prove to all that I can actually make my own decision based on my skills. I wannabe productive! Yes. Guan Gong please pray for me. <3>

Q&A

2011-03-09T21:46:00.002+08:00

Prelude

A talks to B about her current situation - she falls for someone yet she knows she can't do anything about it.

Here the conversation goes..

A: I was feeling really sad just now as he didn't talk much to me. He can talk a lot when with others, but when with me he just speaks little words. I always try to talk a lot, find some topics because I feel very awkward by looking at him just like that without talking anything..

B: Hmm, what do you expect actually? Wanting him to talk to you always? Or always have common topics with you?

A: Not to say expect but just hope that he could talk more to me.. I know it's something weird but sometimes my heart just feels so bad

B: First of all. Does he owe you anything? He is just a friend of yours if you get what I mean. Plus, not like you really know him well and so he is, so how can you hope that he could talk more to you??

A: ...

B: Do you.. actually fall for him?

A: .. I'm not sure, but I think.. I am.. But the thing is, he is a married man already with kids.

B: What so good about him? -.-'' People got wive got kids then you fall for him? Are you.. okay? -.-''

A: Yea I know I'm wrong but.. I also don't know how to explain the feeling I'm having now. Perhaps it's because of his character..? He's really a firm guy, although he does tell jokes too sometimes. Not jokes but I just feel like smiling whenever he tells something.. B, please help me.. I think I've fallen too deep now!

B: So you're actually attracted by his character la? But then... Yes, you can like him. But please make sure you won't fall too deep because what you are doing now is actually wrong. You knew he's a married guy, he has his family, he has his kids to take care of. Let me ask you, what if he realises that you're into him and if he wants to start an underground relationship with you, would you take it? No right?? Please say no?!

A: Yes. That's why I'm stopping myself to have too much interactions with him nowadays.

B: But I thought he's in your team as well? How can not to have interactions??

A: Yea, so I only try to talk to him when I need. Like maybe to discuss our projects etc.

B: But hell yea, in the end, you'll still be attracted again right? So, is that the right thing to do? If you say now la, you will less communicate with him. If he asks, what are you gonna say?

A: I'd probably say, got a? No la.

B: Is that a good way? I don't know how are you going to handle your own emotions. But just a reminder for you.

1) No one owes you anything including your friends and your loved one

2) Don't expect anything from others as you can't fulfill anyone too

3) Remain your normal act as life still goes on

4) Be matured please. Don't be envious. Do you really need it? Nope you don't need them. So what's the point of making yourself in deep shit? Think yourself.

Triple Two

2011-02-22T21:05:00.004+08:00

He has been seeing and hearing

he feels it is saddening

The world from his eyes

seems no fairness to him

He used to crave for love

He used to enjoy the moment when both caring for each other

He doesn't dare to step onto this region anymore

He hates himself for getting envious on something that he cannot do

The feeling is just so puffy and free

where it is just so difficult for him to catch it, feel it, love it

He still hopes to love and being loved

although it is just like flying you to the moon

He understands on how strong he has to be

He also knows that what kind of tragedy in the end it would probably be

He is tearing now

inside

It is time for him to stand up, again

It is time for him to give up, again

It is time for him to let go, again

Lastly,

It is time for him to say goodbye

to the world he once immersed in it, again

囚奴新娘

2011-02-12T04:46:00.002+08:00

在二十四小时内读完了那一本小说

更是一口气地一次过费了十三个小时

从四分一开始读到最后

拥有复杂身世的男女主角

偶然地在那一夜不机遇地

在对方的心灵与心态上

种下了一个永远也挽回不了的苗

正因为彼此的破烂不堪的过去

加上幕后一切不规矩的一切陆续发生

犹如在漆黑的夜晚中

发红的双眼紧紧地盯着远方的猎物

但却毫无动色地等待着时机成熟而引爆的狮子

而他们最终

有情人终成眷属

写着写着

他的眼眶

红色血丝缓缓地浮现

炙热的泪水

顺着脸颊的幅度划成一条细细的痕

这么破烂不堪的他

是否能像小说里的主角一样

最终以完美为结局

虽然他经历的不如故事情节般

虽然他所经历的在别人眼中或许只是件芝麻绿豆没什么好惊喜的

他

的结局又会是如何的呢

Mixed

2011-02-02T01:16:00.003+08:00

Read on my friend's blog, accidentally found it out. Credits to the digital era.

It has been a while. Okay, I should say I have not started to really boost up my FA skills. Reason being: I ain't a smart ass and the bottleneck is my fucking lazy attitude. It seems like it has lesser burden on me in company now as yea. We have not started any build atm yet so most of us are actually moving quite slow (or just me).

Thanks to my this friend, and to my cousin. Crab. I think I should have really banged on the wall and really need to introspect on my self-attitude. I dislike being judged weak and not being respected by others. Yes I do behave like a clown at most of the time as I hate working in such a stressed environment but it doesn't mean I do not have pride; I do care on my self-performance. But ever since my final year in UK, it seems like I have never been using my brains wisely. I ain't born with a powerful analytic thinking skills but it just feels so disappointed while seeing myself not able to fix it right. I guess this CNY is really gonna be my last getaway in life. I have been chilling this much and IT IS TIME for me to move on. I believe in that whatever it is we still have to face it and embrace it; there is one door to every where which is strong and determined.

Work hard Mr Chee!! Happy Chinese New Year to you.
And happy bd to my pk2.

Counting down

2011-01-30T00:14:00.004+08:00

3 days more to CNY. Counting down.

Seriously, I hate what myself is doing now. I can't believe myself being so weak! Can't take any impact for God's sake! FML.

I shouldn't have texted or called you.

I shouldn't have MSN-ed you.

because, all I got was just. NO REPLY.

I thought I can fic it nicely even if you don't bother but in fact I can't.

100th post - Liar

2011-01-23T00:01:00.003+08:00

Just realised this is my 100th post, happy blogging Mr. Arthur!?

Just realised I have been a good liar to myself, for convincing myself with fake assumptions or reasons by keeping myself in my comfort zone.

Just realised I had forgotten many beliefs I once held with, can't even remember when was the last time I practise them.

Just realised I can't actually fulfil my own words, that I can live without anyone. I hate the feeling of being left out and ignored. BUT, back to topic, is there such a rule stating that he or she HAS to reply me whenever I look for them? NO, the answer is. Get your brains fixed please Mr.

Just realised I had not being a caring and loving son/ brother for quite some time. I had raised my voice for quite a number of time within this month whenever I see something unlikely to be done by anyone at home. Please forgive me, Dad, Mum, and Bro. 2nd Sis too.

Last but not least, for those good runners in my brains, I wish I can allow the marathon to continue but meanwhile I'll take care of every path that you guys should or should not pass by. I hope those paths that you guys gonna take will not make me shut it down, forever. As, I'm tired of being a liar, to myself, not anymore.

Too Much

2011-01-16T15:03:00.002+08:00

Love is blind, as far as the eye can see,
Deep and meaningless, words to me,
easy lover, I need a friend,
Road to nowhere, twist and turns but will this never end

Too Much of Something is bad enough,
But something's coming over me to make me wonder,
Too Much of nothing is just as tough,
I need to know the way to feel to keep me satisfied

Too much of nothing so why don't we give it a try,
Too much of something we're gonna be living a lie

I thought I could live without you
I thought I could have be able to live independently
I wanna be zig-a-zig-ah
But sometimes I just couldn't breathe
When loneliness creeps in me
The Ithough Uthought thingy
...
..
.

2nd post in 2011

2011-01-09T22:25:00.003+08:00

So I was off to Malacca for my weekend. Since it's all about eating, I've gained back my weight. Fml. I was down to 79/ 80 last week but now it got back to 82. :( btw, this isn't a big deal after all lol. small case small case~

I had many sudden thoughts throughout this trip- it's like spontaneous all the while. Any single picture being captured in mind I could simply chip in with opinions without any hesitation. I mean, I don't care if you're older than me or what, but somehow I think, maybe it's because I'm being brought up in such family- be considerate and independent, thus I do feel like, why can't you do this? Is there a need of making this small thing a fuss? You're a guy c'mon, you can be a bit tougher can't you? etc. I came across this too- there is no need to change a person's attitude, or more precisely, there is no need to make a person live as the way you want them to be. Perhaps yea, true, one might not be as alert as you but I believe he or she will still have good sides of theirs, not? I understand no one could be perfect, they might do something wrong at some times but I feel that we should stay calm and listen to their explanation first before we put in our two cents.

There are some human being who claim themselves as the-great (Don't point at me in this case, I was just joking all this while when claiming myself as tat gor the great). I feel SUPER SICK when talking to them!

Hey let's go!

But. It's super hot out there.

But it's just from here to the other end?

Don't want la it's so sunny outside!

Why are you being so picky and soft!

Don't be so narrow minded k! Don't want to walk under the sun doesn't mean I'm soft.

But you are! Even my mum wouldn't mind walking! She's a tough woman!

Haih you don't talk about others first! Do you think yourself is behaving better than me?

Frankly speaking, I really HATE and feel like giving a TIGHT SLAP/ PUNCH to this kind of human. Can you please, accept criticizes rather than putting two cents on others before acknowledging your own weaknesses? If you never realise how weak you are, you have never learn! A pathetic being you are definitely! Shame on you!

p/s: I also understand myself isn't perfect. If you're scolding me inside while reading this post, feel free to tell me. Comment it. I'll learn and improve. For I really cherish all cares and loves by others.

New Year 2011!

2011-01-02T13:12:00.002+08:00

It's the 2nd year of new year of 2011; I was in Form 1 ten years back. Time flies. I read back my previous post, surprisingly I didn't blog about new year resolution! Hehe!

It'd be a bit fake if I say I do not have anything in mind for this year. Perhaps, I just wanna be like how I am now - I'm living happily everyday :D Though there're some ups and downs sometimes but those things aren't gonna turn me around, and I proved to them: I can LIVE WITHOUT YOUSSSSSSSSS.

To those whom never willing to explain, I wouldn't bother anymore.

To those whom treat me as true friend, I will continue cherish.

To those whom care my truly, I will always appreciate.

To those whom came across and left in my life, I wouldn't forget how I was being hurt and scarred.

To those whom had once cared of me, thank you for everything. But sorry that everything has come to an end.

To those whom I had once cared before, I hope you'd still remember the days we used to laugh together.

Be happy, be simple, be strong, and be smart

And these are my new year resolution

D. R. G.

2010-12-28T22:49:00.005+08:00

I was feeling so down; I am feeling much more better now

I was running on the track mill, telling myself must let the Ipod to complete the whole Chopin Piano Concerto in E minor then only I can stop

Only one thing flowed in mind at that time; it was right after work

I dislike the me who is so stupid and no thinking skills

I dislike the me who always criticizes on others

I dislike the me who can't see any sense of sympathy in me

I dislike the me who always not caring others' feelings

it is all about how I dislike myself

Ever since third year, I found myself isn't that intelligent anymore (although I have never been)

Ever since third year, I realized that how fickle a minded can be

and most importantly,

ever since third year, I have lost all my confidence and innocence.

I wish my true personality could have come back already after today

Julie presenting you - I have confidence

Xmas Eve

2010-12-24T13:09:00.005+08:00

Many friends have been asking if I have any plans for Xmas eve but apparently I do not have any; I prefer resting at home. I know I'm sounding so old hahaha!

Well, these few days I have been popping into my colleagues' so called territory everyday and I have not get tired of doing it. In simple words - I kacau them everyday at every moment! hahaha. regardless of how busy they are. But duh of course I will make sure they're in the kacau-able mode first before approaching them. hahahaha

I can still remember this conversation in my friend's blog:

"you're now angry with me and we are in the war"

"don't let those idiots ruin your day"

"oh yeah, I don't care"

it's not really a conversation; it was made up from few pictures. And yet, I got no idea why am I still thinking of these few phrases until to date. I asked myself, what would I do if the person I care is angry at me.

'Probably will get into him/ her and try to fix things out? Even if he or she is still not back on track, I'll approach them after some time later?'

Yea. This is my personality. To those I care, I really mean it. I was given loads of second chance in life, so I always do the same thing to others too. I'm not building an image like as if I'm very great, but this is somewhat my belief. It might not be believable to you since I have a sinful mouth. I used to tell that I wouldn't bother anymore if you repeat it again. Alright, here it happens, again. I would try not to care but I'm actually crying inside. No one would know how I feel, but to them, you've to bare for your own words mister! And I understand the rules very well.

I texted you today, but I still have not got any replies from you. I admit I do feel a bit unhappy for that, but to you it might just a simple text which need not to reply. I don't know how should I put it but I'm just feeling unhappy. Maybe it's because I've started to care of you?

relationship

2010-12-21T21:34:00.003+08:00

Flipped through the photos

Scanned through the friend lists

Looked at friends' profile

And even those people

who I still have hard feeling with

I have been hearing

Life is short, love is forever

I question myself always

About the truth of this statement

It seems no relation to me, at all

I loved

I indulged

I sank

yet

I fell, off in the end

Relationship
A fragile thing to me
Relationship
Not as tasty as how I look at it
Relationship
Only exist if our heart are held together tightly
Relationship
Is soon to break if either party leaves already
Last but not least
A new relationship
Will still be born even if my soul doesn't exist anymore.
just like how the Earth will keep on orbiting,
albeit the living things are all not exist already

静思

2010-12-19T01:01:00.002+08:00

沉静的夜晚

冬夜

孤灯下

依窗渐感凉意萧瑟的寒风抖落了松树上的雪

在绵绵的雪花里眼前的一切

脑海里的一切

一阵烟味弥漫卧房

让人蠢蠢欲动的味道

让我忍不住让它燃烧

戒不掉花非花的情调

心瘾叫我无处可逃

Heineken

2010-12-11T19:32:00.002+08:00

I don't really drink, for me not being a good drinker. I do get drunk easily.

Normally when I get drunk, I'll get excited and be really happy with everything.

It seems like there's nothing would bother me, not even a tiny thing gonna turn me around.

But,

I hate the feeling when the effect is gone - Normally it doesn't last for long, I mean when the moment I get drunk.

Everything flows into mind once I'm over the hangover.

It just feels not good at all whenever I'm sober enough to think those shits again.

Haihhhhhhhhh.

Having fever now; How good it would be if I have someone staying by me to accompany me?

"Care"

2010-12-04T23:48:00.002+08:00

We normally do not really bother about others' stuffs. And what we normally do is whenever someone approaches us we would not want to get involved too much as not to give too much comments, becoming a listener will do.

We do not care about others' feelings. Even if we know he or she is feeling down, we often just ignore them as we know, there are things which we cannot help to solve. Or I should not say we do not care but we are afraid of getting into troubles. Too many times that it happened where when he or she is down, you approach them, consult them; they would not fully appreciate for your words since everyone has their own beliefs and practises. We not only really help but yet being judged. If it turns out to be something good then it is fine, otherwise, god bless.

Since we do not care about things happening around us during normal days, we would put all our focus on the matter we care. Can be an object or a person(s). This is when all the argument starts.

I am expecting you to do this

I hope you are always here for me

Why can't just you listen to me

Why you always yell to the person you love you care

Yeah, that is what being does to the person they care. I wonder how should I define the word "care" sometimes..

Fucked up

2010-11-27T18:41:00.003+08:00

I'm so drained right now but I just feel like expressing out the words inside desperately. I fear I would forget them again in future.

Caring a person doesn't mean anything if he or she doesn't cherish it. Yet, caring a person also doesn't mean that you can do whatever you like by stating 'it is for your own good'. I hate people who say so when every time I hear, but I did this wonderful (stupid) thing not long while ago- My close friend was upset. I was wanting to help her, but I fell into the trap again. I've done something unnecessary and created troubles. Maybe it's because it has been a while for me to really take care of a person, truly from my heart. When I know she needs comfort, all I could think of at that time was to stay by her side, listen to her and that's it. I had forgotten about this- everyone has their own way of dealing things. It means, I had forgotten to respect others, again. I was seriously upset for that few days and nights, for myself not being able to handle things properly. It had somehow corroded my outcomes and reactions when work. My brains couldn't function as how I ask it to do, not at all. Yeah, I can still talk, fool around, get back to work, but there's another little thing which serves like the background application that cannot be turned off, even when I'm sleeping.

I don't want to live like that anymore, although I can't really help much with it. I have been living like this where the angel and demon are fighting inside on a daily basis. I'm tired, but I know I still have things to complete and the responsibility that I have to commit with.

I want to improve, to a better person. But I know, it will somehow, get me back onto the ground. And that is when I call it fucked up.

Titleless

2010-11-22T01:02:00.002+08:00

It has been a while for me to blog. I surfed my friend's blog a moment ago and it is privatised now. I know this day would come after me telling her had found out her blog accidentally. Well, i hope everything goes well on your side MLJ although i wouldn't know anymore how's your life there since now am no longer able to access your page.

This is life. We get to know, we mingle, we laugh, we cry, we quarrel, and more. Yet in the end, we leave, to the other world. How pathetic it is to say this.

Have you ever imagined a kid with autism was once living with her mum for her life, one day an accident has killed her mother, how can she continue to survive? She has no more love. No more care. How would you help, if that kid is your sister?

it's too late to apologize

2010-11-10T23:48:00.001+08:00

我看我还是用华语写的好。其实我没想过你会到回来；那晚就失去理智写了这一篇。今天早上要撤除的，怎知看到你的回复。首先，先给你道歉。不应该意气用事，没经过大脑就写了那一篇。

所谓的‘伤’，是友情。其实我不太会表达。比方说，以前在一起闹着玩着的，但是最后生疏了，是那种遗憾感慨。再次见面时当下却说不出话来，是自己内心的感触。不懂自己是否做错了什么导致今天的局面 - 过去的我只会怨他人，所以没有朋友。是学院开始自己忽然觉醒了。

至于同班同学，我只是看到chatbox上有我熟悉的名字，有些名字也不以为然地在那边，心中曾有很多问号。

很谢谢你对于火车票的解释，我真的非常开心，亦非常愧疚。我听说的版本是说[你一早就在市中心逛着，等着我的电话。等到下午，太累了，要回家午睡也不行。那时候他在聚会时说：其实你一点都不想帮我，我自己惹出来的祸应该自己收尾，却还要麻烦到你。]我当下就说："蛤？她不是去跟朋友吃午餐吗？怎么会等我一整天了呢？" 当晚在旅馆没得上网所以没能问你，但回到来KL我MSN你但你每次都不在，我也就不了了之。不过，真的谢谢你的解释！我现在是非常愧疚，误会了你那么深，还说了那么多伤人的话！对不起！是厚脸皮了一些，但愿你会原谅。

对于你的真实个性，我尽量以最好的方式表达因为我担心我又说错话惹到你不高兴了。以下的话，若我有说错的，请你原谅。

我是读了你的文章后才懂其实你身上背负着的东西真的好多，好多。为了不让周边的人担心，你都把全部东西让自己一个人扛，不开心的都自己把肚里塞，都保持着好的一面让大家看。其实我是过来人（或许现在也是，只是不想再管了因为有心无力），有些事情我懂是不能随便找人倾诉的；要找到知心的更是难求。我不是在自以为是或有再自我猜测- 我看到你房间的相框，想必他们是这一路来给予你鼓励与支持的朋友。

我说的faking around & if you hate me just speak out,话是说得很难听，对不起。有时候我感受到其实你是想以和为贵所以都作出所谓的牺牲。当下懂你是伤心，希望可以跟你谈心但却没成。我的用意是想至少你可以暂时放下负担，不要那么难受，活得开心。是我自大了，自以为很了解你，自以为我付出别人就要接受。

说真的，我的确在乎大家因为每次一起癫一起笑一起醉的时刻，我非常地开心。2nd year自己寂寞了一年，寒冷的夜晚自己在马路上走着等；3rd year认识你们的时候，那种反差，我不懂要怎么形容但我非常感谢。我懂我表达能力有限，说话的艺术是一点梗儿都没有。

再次的，谢谢你的回复，对不起因为误会了你，对不起因为没经过大脑写了一番荆刺满篇伤害的你的话（我不懂伤害这个字会不会重了点，但我暂时想不到别的字眼）。

愿你心想事成，天天快乐。

Finally the storm is over

2010-11-06T22:03:00.002+08:00

Few days ago I've done something which shouldn't have been done. I regretted of doing so. I don't see the point, just that at that particular moment, perhaps, I wasn't sane and firm enough.

I know it's either I'll get hurt again or everything will be back to normal, of course I wish it'll turn out to be the second choice but now, I'm just in between of these two options. I don't feel hurt nor happy of the decision I've made, just to think that how naive I was to believe that I care for you and so you will.

I regretted of believing your words- how forgiving a person you are.

I regretted of believing your words- tell me who you are so that I can thank you.

I've actually forgotten about this until you mentioned it again- 'how do you cross along with my blog? Didn't let you know last time.' Yea, I wanted to know what's the reason behind it. I mean, even our classmates (ex) do know about your blog, what's so weird about letting me to know then? Yet I am still surprised until to date, what's your true personality?

When I was told that you actually didn't want to help to pass the train ticket to me, okay, it sounds bad to say this, but if you don't feel like helping me why can't you just tell me off at the first point? I did remind you on the day before I'd arrived at London, that my arrival time is at 5pm. I don't understand why had you told others saying you've waited me in town since the morning. In fact, I felt really bad because I've made you waited for me so long, mean while, I was overwhelmed by your words. Why are you faking around my dear? It's not like we're not friends. If you dislike me, why can't you just tell out? Yea, you can say I'm being thick skinned for not able to sense your unlikeness towards me and so bc. I'm not sure if I'm over sensitive, but it seems like your attitude has changed right after the poster presentation. I tried talking to you yet apparently you didn't want to make the conversation keep on going. Is it because of as others say, I like you so you're actually avoiding me? If that's the case, how can you be such a selfish person? If you hate it, just speak out. Okay, or you just simply don't care about my feeling maybe? I got no idea.

I just feel so sick for those who can't tolerate one's attitude yet at the same time he/ she is practising it. Example, see! he's just so childish, he just likes to assume. How if when you're facing the person you care, wouldn't you be doing the same thing? I believe you will, too. So why are these people still complaining around while at the same time they can't keep their own words? Adding two cents onto others' attitude, what's the point??

Thank you for not leaving any comment on my post. Well, I don't even know if you've viewed that post but I guess everything has already come to an end. You may speak in heart: we don't even have started so where to come the ending? I wish you're not thinking like this, just in case you're reading this.

做人要多一份体谅，多一份关怀。

在埋怨的那一刻，你是否已经明白别人的感受了？

试着想一想别人的处境，再下定论。

对，或许你有时候会认为我无理取闹，

但并不代表我没有仔细想过分析过。

我也明白‘为了你’其实不是一个多了不起的东西，

我已经收起了我的骄傲，你呢？

a note to you

2010-10-31T01:58:00.008+08:00

It's not that I don't want to let you know who I am,

What I'm worrying is the consequences after that.

I fear you may feel abused and hate it,

When at the moment I retrieve to you my real identity.

For every time I read your posts,

It seems like thousands of needle being stabbed into my heart,

perhaps we have undergone the same process,

but at different time and place,

or what your shoulder is taking everyday,

is far out away from my imagination and understanding.

So many times I wanted to ask you,

How are you.

But there are always no replies I had received,

And they had really turned me down.

I don't know what I have done which have led to all these shits to happen,

However I wish I could know it one day,

on the actual thoughts behind the scene of yours.

I am here to apologize,

if I've made you unhappy again.

I had struggled for a long time, whether or not,

to comment on your chat box.

I have so many doubts and questions,

yet again..

Please forgive me for being a coward.

And thanks to you, MLJ

i hope we're still friends, i mean it really.

I regretted for my words: friends wouldn't meet up after back at home. I didn't expect it to happen between us (ad, yy, bc too) yet things went to left instead of right.

Fickle Minded

2010-10-24T13:40:00.003+08:00

I saw my friend commenting on me, saying I'm being fickle minded in his opinion. Am I? Yes, I am. And so? What's the matter? Everyone changes time by time, so what's so special about it?

I am just behaving like how I did, I used to call you whenever I feel to but Thursday, Friday and yesterday, again, after failing to reach you I've given up. Today, I saw you on MSN. I just said: I was expecting you to call back but you didn't, yet it's alright. In the end, you said: Don't talk those kind of nonsense again please, thanks. Frankly speaking, I WAS offended. I could feel you're having some problems and when I was about to ask you shut my mouth up.

I do think in that way which I am the one who want to keep in touch with everyone so I always call up to others. If it makes you ever felt annoying then it's fine. To me, I am doing something right. I am just trying to maintain the friendships (those I really mean it) as I know very well, friends are not easily found especially in this era.

And I shall repeat again here.

I will do anything just to gain happiness even if the prices to be paid are just massive.

If I know I were to leave you, I'll leave. You have your priority, and so I do. If it can't be copped, just let it be.

Sad...

2010-10-20T23:52:00.003+08:00

Had listened some songs on Youtube

Had then shared them on Facebook

So hard those words can be told

About my feelings in my soul

I must be strong, To carry on

Cause I know, I just can't stay

Here in heaven

A lonely night it was today

I could have seen myself in grey

Nocturnes by Chopin had been played

Repeated again and again

How sweet it could be just by listening to the melody

As like how I had dreamed myself dancing in rain

No one was there in that dream

Besides the lonely shadow

That would follow me 'till the end

of the day I could have stayed

Teary and weary

Emptiness and loneliness

Inside I always know

That they will never go..

Sweet and Sour; Spicy and Bitter

2010-10-19T22:12:00.003+08:00

So I have attended training since last Monday and it's going to an end by either tomorrow or Thursday and all SE staffs will be having a web conference on Friday with John Coyne, the founder of Western Digital.

Working in WD for almost 3 weeks already, and I started to realise many things do not appear as how we exactly look at and think of. I am now working in a factory based company and it already has some politic issues so what about companies outside there? I had in fact misjudged someone by appearance. I thought xxx would be someone really nice and friendly but after some days of observing, I am actually wrong. (Pardon me for not typing out the name including sex for SAFETY purpose XD)

I actually regretted of myself approaching my supervisor, asking for letting me to deal with real harddisk instead of studying on slides or lecture notes all over again and again. (I got back home by 830pm today!) I just simply do not understand some of the theories, for me having a bad interpretation on words especially theories! But the other side I am also happy. At least I have something to do now although it might be tough sometimes. p/s: Tough as in I find it quite annoying if I keep on asking people questions where I myself cannot really absorb whatever they have told me in one shot. 'I have confident in sunshine, I have confident in rain..' I wish I could be that cheerful as ever, like her, Maria. I tried searching for her video on Youtube but failed :( Anyhow, I just wish myself able to handle more things and stay calm and steady all the time. Sometimes I just feel so offended when people are being disrespectful to me and others. C'mon we are just colleagues, I do not owe you anything and so you do not owe me anything so what's the matter on earth you wanna communicate with others using that one kind of tone? That's really not the way to communicate with people man! Yes, you never raise your voice, yet the way you speak, your gestures, your use of verbs are just so irritating, do you know that?! Please learn to respect others, and to yourself!

FIC MEH IF I IGNORE YOU?! CHEH! COME FUCK ME LA IF YOU DARE! NOT LIKE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU DENG! #$%^&*()(*&^$e#@!!!

Feeling

2010-10-15T00:06:00.000+08:00

1. Sometimes it's quite confusing while communicating with people under this condition- you care for that person an so when you text him/ her regarding words deep inside your heart, definitely you wish he/ she would reply something relieving. Yet some people would choose to ignore your text or just by replying 'okay'.. I don't really know how should I react on this kind of thing but I know quite clear about those who reply in that way. They just simply never care, or perhaps they would think: what else I can say since you've already having so much misconceptions in me? Only Guan Gong knows.

2. Why can't everyone just stop critisizing others? I mean like, of course you can critisize because people live with gossips. I'm actually saying the other situation- when one gets into quarrel. Is there a need to claim all your credits describing as if you're a godlike human who have been contributing and sacrificing? It just makes me so sick when dealing with this kind of being. They just don't understand how weak they are, how fragile their heart is. What's the point of holding others' fault and repeat when every time you see them? Can you just give them a chance and even if they don't listen to your words you should learn to accept and forgive! They can point at you too, saying you are the one who hold on grudges and never want to acknowledge whatever changes that have been made by them. So, let me repeat. What's the point of making it a no return??? You think you're great, but others are great too! It's just that both of you just never put into opposite shoes and meditate! What you guys know is just to COMPLAIN! You guys just DON'T APPRECIATE but WANTING OTHER TO THANK YOU AT THE SAME TIME! How can it be???

101010

2010-10-10T23:36:00.002+08:00

What a significant number, 101010 which only be seen once in my life. And after 3 years there're no more repeating numbers as there's only 12 months in a year, not 13 lol. After 3 minutes it'll be 111010, and most importantly, MONDAY BLUESSSSSSS! I need to wake up by 645am tomorrow damnit! OMGOOOOOOD!

Okay, so I'm now working at Western Digital, as a Failure Analyst. (This is why my friends have been calling me a failure engineer lol) I've been reading for the past one week; my first day was on 4th of October. The first two days were a nightmare as what I did was just read, read, and READ! Wednesday and Thursday I was reading too but at least my bio clock has finally shifted back so I wouldn't feel so damn tired especially after lunch. Friday I had a-whole-day orientation and so now I'm aware of the operation of the whole factory. Tomorrow (or more specifically later) I'll be attending a-ten-days training. Since I need to work for at least 9 hours a day and the training is at 9am, I think I'd just reach there by 8am, sit at there doing nothing or read on some books so that I can come back home early or go for gym.

I thought I've slimmed down for at least 2-3kgs but in fact I didn't. It's still the same weight as I had when I was in UK! DAMNIT again! lols. No worries, 75kgs, I'm going for you now! Hahahaha

A Good Good Day

2010-09-28T15:31:00.003+08:00

Finally there's one company wanna hire me - Western Digital. I am feeling quite happy because finally I'm being hired but too am feeling sad because Imma say bai bai to my holidays, but I think it's been a long vacation for me already hasn't it? Since June until now, 4 months in total. Being home for almost 2 months, had celebrated brother's birthday at Genting, attended three interviews (luckily still got 3 lol), started to have two creditors - mum and dad for helping me to pay for the car, and gone to Hong Kong for vacation (since my brother got attacked by epilepsy again in August so we've decided to let him enjoy life more). I guess this's my recent updates?

Things come and go, sometimes I'd find myself hanging in my own world as some part of mine doesn't really want to face the reality. It's so discomforting to see them sometimes but in deep I know I still have to face them in future, so sometimes people would be asking why am I behaving in such a way like there's no more tomorrow and always make decisions randomly. Perhaps that'd be the answer? For once my friend told me- for those who doesn't appreciate your friendship you can only leave it there and move forward. It's their loss of doing it but we can only blame on the different personality of both having that's why we can't cope and make things out together.

If a person loves you, she might do anything for you yet at times you might feel a bit uncomfortable as you're being overwhelmed although you appreciate it a lot.

When you do something doesn't suite her taste, she'd want you to change to her way

She cares for you that's why she wants for your own good

so, which one do you prefer?

Fighto fighto!

2010-09-19T02:44:00.003+08:00

Was on youtube and facebook for the past 1.5 hours, watching videos from Martha Argerich and Faye Wong. I wow from my heart every time I see them (as in watching tubes of them). A little envious I had today when looking at them, I wish I could be like them one day- it's actually one of my dreams to be a celebrity or artist and to perform on stage. Anyhow, those are just dream and I know it very well. Image wise, I don't have such a captivating frame, not to mention I've never been thin or looking fit before in my life haha! Yea, I'm proud to say I'm given a very good musical sense yet if say to be a pianist I'm still far behind especially on technical part. AND AND AND, the main problem is, I'm not determined enough ever since the day I born. Like practising on the piano, the maximum I'd sit still on the bench would be one hour I suppose, including warm ups and running through the pieces (where each piece can be at least 5 minutes long, most of them are about 10 minutes). So say if I were to master a piece, I should be at least spending 12 hours a day on just learning the notes and then only putting in emotions. While for slimming down part, the progress is still running of course, yet it seems like it's not being carried out as expected. So, apparently I didn't work hard although I do spend about 6 hours on exercising in gym every week. After 3 weeks, my weight is still remaining at 83/84 kgs wtf! SIGHHHH.

There's nothing I can actually do to chase for my that two dreams unless I go for ASTRO singing competition which is when my brains get short circuited. Haha. Too many distractions in life and always I try really hard to stay focused even though the outcomes do not seem to be really friendly to me :S So, the only thing I could to compensate my dream is to be like.. Bill Gates??? :D I must at least be successful in career, in my specialist! Hehehe.

I dreamt of a dream

A dream where everything comes true

Raindrop on roses

And whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettle

And warm woollen mittens

Brown paper packages and tied up with strings

These are a few of my favourite things

I performed this song when I was Form 2

In the hall of Catholic High School

Such a reminisce to have all these feelings back

When everyone cheered for my performance

When I can see smiles from every faces

When everyone discussed about my voice

When I felt so satisfied for giving such a performance

Well, it also reminded myself for being so arrogant and wiseacre. Guess what, I answered my senior "Master" when he asked me about my qualification in piano playings. I can still remember his facial expression until now, a grin plus a hopeless smile. Anyhow, whatever had happened in the past can't be changed and it'll forever stay. I wish time can be fast forwarded so that I can get to see a better view of myself and slowly observe how much I have changed or improved or maybe just simply the same? Lol!

Okay, back to topic. For once again, FIGHTO FIGHTO!!! Somehow I really wish I can be a celebrity, syok sendiri to the max kan? HAHAHAHAAHA

Random

2010-09-10T16:34:00.002+08:00

I always see how people behave and react towards things happening around them and always I reflect it onto myself, and think what would happen if the same happen on me. Definitely I'll be sad whenever I know someone is backstabbing me, especially on those I was once cared about. I don't see the point of forcing myself to be welcomed by everyone, although it has already been practising since my college life, for me being a loather during primary and secondary school. I know I've changing, or in fact I'm trying really hard to improve myself everyday but somehow I still getting critics from all. It feels sucks of knowing my negatives when one tells me about it, yet I too feel happy because I know I can still change. I hate others to use me, because I always treat everyone by heart although things always do not turn out as what I thought. Why did it happen? What did I say or do wrongly and had offended them? Sometimes I wish to ask but I know they'll never tell simply because we're just friends aren't we? If there're so many things to be taken account while chilling with you(s), what's the purpose of it then? Friends are meant to be happy when together, get fooling around and doing something crazy right? I understand very well- If one doesn't care about you, no matter what you do will never be appreciated. It always happens on me, the most recent one was during my 3rd year, my classmates. I'm not sure what have I done, yea, we can chat or whatsoever but I can smell there's a little problem lies in it. I'm just merely a classmate to them, not even a friend, that's how I felt. So I just don't understand, from starting very good buddies ended up in such a way, when and what have I done which led to this? What made them commented "We never really care if you join us or not?" Every time when this sort of thing happens, frankly speaking I never blame them, I'd only relate it to myself, it must be my fault, just like for this. Or as my the other friend said, I'm just a passer-by in their UK life? So what makes them must be a close friend of yours and so to them? I kinda agree with her, just that it really takes time for me to heal.

Ups and downs, and I'll continue climbing, until I've found my dreams to come true...

Thank you Guan Gong.

030910

2010-09-03T02:31:00.002+08:00

Tonight might be a sleepless night for me again. I am still not able to live alone, then why want to live life brilliantly? I am thinking of you again tonight, I wished we could have more conversations going on, I hoped you would text me telling me you are safely back since I have already shown my number on MSN, little greedy in me even day dreamt of you coming to KL to meet me up. I fear I fall back onto that region again, I just lose control for my every soul. Frankly speaking I already don't mind about the words I was being told off by your friend on what you actually felt on helping me although I really hate it and it was really hurtful and distasteful.

Mind has been growing differently nowadays since the first day being home- I used to not to care, I used to ignore, but now everything has changed. I started to feel each of the emotions in air and I am always thinking ways to face it so that I would not be unprepared if it suddenly pops out. HOWEVER I wish things will never be out of my control when they come..

So, I went for my second interview today, at Western Digital applying as a Failure Analyst. Basically is about troubleshooting the faulty hard discs and compile all of the findings which to be sent to my supervisor, if I am getting offered. Actually what in my mind is just a plain paper, the only word I can describe myself for now. I don't know which field I should go on, and as the fortune teller says, I should just be concentrating on gaining experience. Guess what? My interviewer commented that I am kind a quiet person, SO DESU KA?? Hahahaha! May God be with me and guide me all the way! Thank you Guan Gong! hehehe =) :D ;)

Reminiscene

2010-08-29T17:24:00.003+08:00

We spent our day together today
The rendezvous after 730 days
The memory we had in the past
Were all splashed out just now
I missed the time we had
Where all of us were fooling around
Enjoyed being a student
Have had an awesome college life
When I sat in your car today
Perplexed my mind it has become,
Again it has become..
A pure heart we long for
If only we have a pure mindset
If only we could recognize them
If we are still living in grey today
The beautiful world forever we will never stay

Loser Me

2010-08-28T23:36:00.002+08:00

Did I address it wrongly

'Cause it's already not being the first time

All of these have been my life

Where I actually never planned

to be in part of it

Love is not always black and white

And that's why love can be blind

Oh how many times it could be

Repeating all over again and again

Bruised and battered by all

Dazed and shattered now it hurts

This is why I hate myself

For approaching towards the endless pain

I have never learnt from mistakes

And I wish,

All these lessons are now enough for me..

Rainy night

2010-08-28T03:21:00.002+08:00

It's showering outside, late late night. Had an awesome night with my buddies - SP and PK1. We went for dinner at AC and movie at Summit, we watched 'Grown Ups'. It's really a nice movie! It begins with five kids competing in a basketball tournament, and they've got champion, the first champion in their coach's life. The coach was really proud of them, and celebrated at a villa cheering for their achievement. Thirty years later, five grown up kids received a news that the coach has passed away and they were invited to the funeral. They decided to put off the ashes on top of the hill at the villa nearby where the main part comes in. Everyone came with their family and was nicely topped up. In the end, all of them thought of their pasts, regretting of themselves forgetting the basic principles as a being.

Life is an ongoing process. For once we miss it, forever it will be missed. Pause and ponder, and relax. Looking back to yourself as if you're watching a movie, tracing back the footprints you'd left in wherever places you've gone, sounds good ain't it? Most importantly, live life to fullest with no regrets. If there's a choice, why not choosing a cheerful life? If today's not a good day, it'll never be an end; but a good day will always be an intermission where our final goals are awaiting for us to arrive! =)))

YOYOYO

2010-08-09T00:18:00.000+08:00

Was reading at the autograph of mine, read back some of the comments ppl had on me. How much have I changed? People have been commenting me that I don't know how to hide for my own feeling. All my true feelings will just be presented on my face. Two person told me off this directly in my autograph, while others were telling me they can always get the most sincere feedback from me. But they're just basically the same thing aren't they? I could always remember how a helpful person I was and how I ended up with them. I was indeed always disappointed with others' respond in the end. Well, that was me during five years back. Perhaps I didn't change much too until to date? Besides being fatter and taller hahaha.

Just recalled of my friend's words: Try to observe more on a person's good point rather than criticizing their attitude. This'll make you to a cheerful person and you'll definitely gain more. Appreciate it my friend. I know I've been regarding myself as a not-too-bad personality one that's why I always feel offended while seeing others behaving as how as not I expected.

.Happy. Wealthy. Healthy.

That's what I want my life to be and IT WILL BE =))))))))))

上了大学才知道

2010-08-08T02:44:00.003+08:00

01.上了大学才知道，两个天天在一起的人不一定是朋友，有可能什么都不是。

02.上了大学才知道，从来不要和别人争论什么，因为那是没有结果的，无论谁对谁错。

03.上了大学才知道，手机是有事的时候用的，并不是为了交流感情。

04.上了大学才知道，真心对一个人好不一定有回报，而你忽略的人往往有可能是最重视你的。

is the other person treating you by heart too just that you never bother it?

05.上了大学才知道，很多东西是可遇而不可求的，很多东西你只能拥有一次。

06.上了大学才知道，恋爱不一定是真心的，有可能是利益关系，有可能是攀比心理。

07.上了大学才知道，原来中学老师教的是那么好，那么负责任。

08.上了大学才知道，很多时候自己遇到不开心事，千万不要渴望别人同情，大多数人会采取冷漠回敬的。那样会更让人家看不起。

Not all people are behaving like this, yet of course, silence is still golden somehow as some people just dislike others commenting their attitude. Too high pride.

09.上了大学才知道，有很多东西是不属于你的，你使劲强求会遭天遣的。

There's nothing which is belonged to any of us in this world, only yourself. So live for yourself, what's the point of craving for others' heart ain't it?

10.上了大学才知道，生活是有很多不公平的，你一定要正视，相信实力和群众的眼睛。

Life has been never fair. You'll slowly find out more, other than the mentioned above.

11.上了大学才知道，人的性格可以差异到如此之大。

Nothing is eternally unchanged.

12.上了大学才知道，一个人要自己对自己好，因为真正关心你的人很少，有了事他们也不一定会在你身边。所以要自己照顾自己。

Being independent and carefree will shape you into a better person. Get a optimistic personality too of course!

13.上了大学才知道，课程会在你不经意间，拉下很多，期末考试前不一定能补回来。

14.上了大学才知道，钱用的是那么快，用钱的地方是那么多。

15.上了大学才知道，从现在开始应该把握每一个你能把握的人，放弃你留不住的人，不要因为想留住个别人而失去一群人。

I indeed like this phrase a little, well that's the fact.

16.上了大学才知道，自己一定在乎自己的自尊，因为你的自尊在别人眼里根本不算什么。

If you don't trust your heart how could you expect it from others?

17.上了大学才知道，不要心情不好的时候对周围人发脾气，渴望他们谅解你，人家不是你的父母，现在你可以明白父母对自己多么重要。

There're many kinds of parents in this world, not all are the same. BUT, they're still the ones who brought you up to this stage.

18.上了大学才知道。即便有人对情感看的无所谓，你一定要坚信，人之间的感情，有可能会令所有东西无法超越的，但记住，只是有可能。

19.上了大学才知道，会遇到许多自己看不惯的人或事，但那与你无关，别人爱咋整随他便，别生不该生的气，不值。

20.上了大学才知道，许多曾经的人会变的让你认不出，但请留住回忆。

21.上了大学才知道，会遇到很多诱惑，无论别人怎么样，你是你，你有你的原则和底限。

22.上了大学才知道，会有人很讨厌你或者和你过不去，但是他爱怎么样就怎么样，我们要大度，不和小人计较，但前提是你正确。

You're only able to do so if you're qualified to justify on your own attitude. Not all can practise this point.

23.上了大学才知道，很多人无法理解男女之间的朋友关系，在一起就一定是恋人，不是恋人就一定不能在一起。

24.上了大学才知道，学习要刻苦，因为凭聪明就能应付大学科目的人是风毛翎角。

So this is what I behaved and I get the karma.

25.上了大学才知道，原来时间一空闲下来是那么无聊，丝毫没有中学的充实的感觉。

Get a target or more rudely, get a life?

26.上了大学才知道，太在乎别人了往往会伤害自己。

Different expectations, different point of views, and always there's a point of no return.

27.上了大学才知道，对自己好的人会随着时间的流逝越来越少。

And so you?

28.上了大学才知道，可以不把所有人当朋友，但千万不能把一个人当敌人，至少可以当同学。

29.上了大学才知道，玩你能玩的起的，玩不起的千万别玩，不然会输的什么都没有的。

30.上了大学才知道，快乐常常来自回忆，而痛苦常常来自于回忆与现实的差距。

Don't be so pessimistic, can you?

31.上了大学才知道，原来上课，吃饭，上自习常常得自己一个人。

32.上了大学才知道，有很多人的想法与做法你无法理解，或是根本不知道他在想什么，千万别在那揣摩或者瞎猜，那样会让自己累，既然人家要保持神秘感那就让人家保持去啊，自己又不是占星师。

Haha that's why, don't think too much! Only go for the person you care!

33.上了大学才知道，每个人都是带有“地方特色”的。

34.上了大学才知道，别人请客吃饭或着自己请别人吃饭都是很平常的，甚至请一个不怎么熟的人都是有可能的

35.上了大学才知道，每个人都是认为自己的家乡最好，无论他的家乡贫穷或富裕。

Nostalgia

2010-08-06T21:27:00.002+08:00

Watched on a Taiwanese series while having dinner just now. The actor said this to the actress: I'm swearing to the sea, that our love will never change. I'm swearing again to the sea, that I'll work hard for our future. The actress was so touched and eyes was filled with tears.. So, this's probably the scene it'd happen in drama I guess? Not to say totally it won't happen in real life, but everything seems to be unreal if they break up isn't it? I came across with those words few years back, when I was in college. I had been seeing couples hugging each other, sweeeeeet-ing here and there, promising around etc but once they got apart everything changed. Of course I can't say I won't be saying things like those if I get into a relationship, but every time my subconscious mind has been reminding me about the truth behind the paper face. That's life? and What's Next? C'est la vie ;)

习惯

2010-08-06T05:47:00.003+08:00

习惯了一个人

习惯了不说话

习惯了不沟通

习惯了不关心

习惯了不体谅

习惯了不理会

习惯自己走路

习惯自己逛街

习惯自己用餐

习惯自己哭泣

习惯自己傻笑

习惯自言自语

有一天我遇上了你

我们俩都意志同合

但

我们都习惯了孤单

我们也习惯不体谅

当然也习惯不迁就

人与人之间

最需要沟通

说话的能力

是上天所赐

It's simply because I've already used to it so whenever it is being deprived, countless of needles it will stab on my heart. Or just because I don't want to lose it and so I make it to be how I want it, however, this is indeed the factor which makes things worse, and, in the end, everything gets screwed up.

Human are born to adapt, but also to tolerate.

One can advise others but can't insist others to change,

simply because..

...

....

.....

it is already a routine of that person.

最后一夜

2010-08-02T06:14:00.004+08:00

1113夜晚晴

回着leeds的路途上，每个人都显得非常地累。从匈格利到伦敦再到现在，总共有12小时了吧。刚才一路走着去找朋友拿票时mp3刚好播着yiruma's kiss the rain。心里其实是非常地低落但在人海茫茫中，我的心情又是属于那个国度呢？每个路人都朝着他们的目的地走着。

我担心她会不会过得好。我希望刚才我们谈话的时间会再长一些但我又担心或许你在忙着。谢谢你愿意出来，我非常地感激。我很清楚正因为我们是来自同一个世界的人，所以我们这一世只可以做朋友。很多时候我都希望我会是你谈心的对象，虽然我懂我根本不会遇见这一天。来又如风，去又如风，人生正式如此。就因为遇见了，所以才会分开。但也是因为分开了，才懂得珍惜。

爸爸，老了，
妈妈，也老了。
二姐，开始顾虑多了，
哥哥，也慢慢懂事了。
我呢？我此刻想做的东西非常多。我想完成的东西更多！我恨不得时间可以被加速到十年后，哪怕我需要陪上我几年的性命。

大风刮起，却带不走一点情感。留在人间的一切，最终都会成为历史。。

Masquerade

2010-08-01T05:48:00.001+08:00

So I felt seriously helpless while having shower just now. I feel myself is still living in the scene of 19th century taking placr in the opera house in Paris. The masquerade is still being conducted, the music continues playing, guests continue dancing, dancers continue performing, and, the phantom is still watching them, from the top of the opera house. He sees no true faces, only a fancy mask on every face he could see. He tries to guess what is the truth behind the scene but it fails, same as how people always try to imagine of his true contour.

Human is the most selfish animal. One desired to subjugate and there the war was introduced. When one is lonely he would start to get back to his friends but when he doesn't need any he can just ditch them away. When one needs advantages he'd start hunting for his prey and fully make use of them.

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!

Last 2nd Day

2010-07-31T23:44:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I'll be flying back to London then head back to Leeds and lastly going back to my mamaland on the next day. In fact I should name this post as The Last Day since I wouldn't have any spare time to blog I guess. My tourmates are from all over the world - Spore, Australia, South Africa, United States, Canada, New Zealand and us. All of them seem carefreely living and enjoying their vacation very much. Some are going to other places like Sweden after this tour and more. I met one aunt from Australia, she started playing piano at the age of 5 and got her MSc when she was 17 years ols. She is 70+ now I think, her hairs are all white, wrinkles over her skins. She still plays nowadays but is not as good as before. She would too like me, play some favourite pieces when we can't sleep in the night. Whenever she can't sleep in midnight she would play the Pathetique Sonata by Beethoven, and always recall of her dead husband. She's living alone in the farm with her kids living abroad. Her eyes were red when she said that, and so I.

Everyone would undergo these processes in life, it seems to be defined in this way somehow since the world is created. But there're too little tiny things which would give a great impact to our life which we call them fates. I believe every being has already got their life fated to some extend. Shame to say this but indeed there're things which really can't be changed, it's even beyond the god's limit. Only we can choose to live the way we want, yet always we're bothered by the environment we're living at and living for.

Life has never been fair.
Life is just a game.
We got no choice for not to participate since the day we're born. We can't choose to play in such way we long for. I know how the game goes, i know the rules and i also have the cards being dealt in hands.

Last 5th day

2010-07-30T06:26:00.002+08:00

Was listening to yanzi's songs while immersing in bath tub just now, it was randomly played from my phone actually. Somehow it has recalled back the period when I addicted to that few songs so much, which was two years back around this timr too, 720 days in total i suppose? I then looked and stared on myself in the mirror for some while. Have i changed? Have i already corrected my problems? It seems like I have never learnt from my pasts, it has been repeating all over again and again. I hate myself for taking things so seriously. I hate how ppl being ignorant to me. I hate myself for being childish and stupid. I hate myself for caring ppl who would never have a little bit of interest on me. Yea, i always try my best to be good to everyone but whenever it comes to ppl who i care or trust i'll then start to talking nonsense where most of the time i never mean it for example i feel annoyed if someone asks me sth understood. Again, i hate myself for having a sinful mouth. I always comment on others when im with someone i trust yet they'd somehow misunderstood me is implying the same thing to them. I hate myself for putting priorities on the wrong side where in the end i always hurt myself, and the friendship got faded. I already tried very hard to control my words but every time also i feel others have been accommodating me. I always make a situation into a havoc and only realise OH SHIT when my other friend tries to 'put a ladder' in btwn.

God pls bless me, for reshaping me into a better person.. Thank you for the guidance all this while. :)

The last six days

2010-07-28T00:31:00.005+08:00

Finally i'm off from a student life and currently in an unemployment world. I have been in Europe since the day after my convocation on the 21st. I was really happy and delighted when I was in the Great Hall - where my convo took place at. Finally it has come to an end and a more challenging life is awaiting for my arrival along the road. I wish I've had learnt whatever I've been longing for and also will always remember the moments I had in Leeds.

Whatever happens in the past stays in the past, whatever had happened in the club stays in the club, for once my friend told me this. I've made right and wrong decisions in this two years, also had undergone different experiences in life which I'd never expect them to happen. I made a lot of friends, of course with some are really kind hearted and helpful ones. Every time when I listen to their stories ultimately I always feel myself being so lucky!! Credits to all of you includinf my family!

I've also met some friends whom are meant important to me. MLJ and Apek they are. I'd never expect myself of missing them so much since July. Perhaps they're the ones who I've much influenced by and also the ones who had made my day when I was being grounded. We never really speak out our problem, or in fact we actually don't really trust each other yet for now, but I really glad for knowing them! I also know both of you won't be reading this but still, I'm here to thank two of you for treating me so well  I sincerely pray to god, wishing the day of us drinking our heart out to come..

我

2010-07-14T11:26:00.002+08:00

我是谁？其实我根本就是一个废人。我从未为自己设定过什么目标，从来没有做过什么人生计划。出生在一个优裕的家庭，成长，所谓温室里的小花正是形容着我。

从小到大，我都没有什么主见。大部分的东西都是别人叫我做，我才做。打个比方参加演讲、唱歌比赛等，其实是从小父母叫我去我就去。而想得奖的心态，莫过于不希望父母失望吧。在课业上其实也都一样。很多时候我都很想放弃，不读了！但是每当想起父母的期望就紧逼自己一定要努力完成 - 这是我唯一能为他们所做的。

如果你问我，有想过自己十年后会怎样吗？我的答案：我不懂。反正我很善变，我正如变色龙一般。此刻心情想做什么，就做什么。没有为自己做过什么安排，就纯粹因为我不喜欢计划！我承认，我喜欢繁忙的自己，我厌恨无聊！我宁可累得半死也要过的很充实！喜欢繁忙，喜欢做东西，但却不喜欢被约束，正如少爷仔的性格。

今天，我流泪了。忽然之间我觉得自己是败类之首。我完全生活在自我时空，没有顾虑任何东西。对于做事的态度，我一直以来都没有很积极，都是抱着做了就算的心情。我不喜欢生活在压力之下，但又希望可以有个‘别人的’目标而活下去。对于音乐方面，我是认为自己算是有天分，有梦想过自己当钢琴家，更有梦想过自己去当明星。可是，每当面对练琴或去把自己的身材练好的时候，我就会放弃了。所谓的积极的态度，我仿佛从来没碰过呢！当一个人对一件事有兴趣，他会放入心思，积极地去完成。但当一个人想做一件事，但没有很大的兴趣，请问这样是代表没有心吗？我不懂。因为我从来都没有去想过这个问题。固执的我，只是想坚持自己的信念。不懂是从哪里来的自信心，自读学院以后仿佛什么事情我都觉得自己可以应付得到，是到紧要关头我才愿意采取行动。

废人，是我。

败家子，是我。

败者之首，是我。

没有灵魂的身躯，是我。

很多时候我都问天。为何外表活得很光彩的人心里都会有很悲痛的事情？

是因为公平起见，所以有得必有失吗？

是因为我们拥有的比其他人多，所以我们的内心也要比其他人承受的折磨更多吗?

Double F's

2010-07-13T01:06:00.004+08:00

Before the holiday started, or more precisely before the poster presentation, we were so hyperactive and close to each other. We chat, lapan here and there, playing cards, getting drunk etc. Those happy moments we had, I'll always remember.

Now everything has changed. We aren't fooling around together anymore, no longer chatting like nobody business. Even on the messenger also we can't get the right flow of the conversation nowadays.. Perhaps we don't have anymore common topic to talk about? Like projects/ studies etc.

Somehow I just realised I've been caring too much. To them, maybe I'm just a person who had entered their life and had left. So, they'd never really care about my existence - they're always together. Me turning up there or not doesn't really a matter, if I turn up probably they just need to prepare another set of cutlery and seat?

This is real life. Every time I put myself into such a dilemma. I can't help from stopping myself not to care or helping others. Yeah, I don't mind but sometimes the feedbacks I've got were not really nice to be heard somehow. Some are really mean ones. I accepted it, and have also forgiven them for having a sinful mouth nonetheless, already forgiven doesn't mean I'll forget.

Those scars... will never be healed. In fact, I'd always putting salt on the wound after some time, letting the chemical reactions to take its role and myself enjoying the pain in vain..

wishes

2010-07-02T06:57:00.004+08:00

I wish I could have done a lot of things. So many thoughts in mind these days, so many things I wish I could have mastered or learnt or practised. Many times even myself also can't understand why am I behaving like that in which my heart does not really want to. I never thought of this or that either. Just that in others' eyes I do look like that one kind but it doesn't mean I really do. Or my action tells everything by then? as a saying goes, action reflects your heart's speaking. is that true? sometimes it's true sometimes it's not I shall say.

Grow up, a more well rounded, an independent and a good analyser I wanna be!..

YOU'RE THE MAN PLS

2010-06-29T12:22:00.002+08:00

i guess you've been in down for days and i think you should stop it. didn't you promise yourself not to emo anymore? when few months back?

ups and downs in life. it depends how we deal with them really, how we control our emotions towards problems heading us.

don't forget there're other things which are even more important in your life. you've your missions to complete. God must have thought of a solution for you before he gave you such a problem. No worries, you're blessed, many blessings that you've already got from your family, your friends and again, God.

It's time to stand up, no more blaming and get a life please! stay focus on your targets and strive it! for solutions you long for, when the time comes God will release. :D :D :D :D ;) ^^

titleless

2010-06-28T09:31:00.003+08:00

Truth that always not to be told
Masks that have been always worn
Sadness that had never been expressed
suppose a perfect appearance it shall give
however one heart fills with emptiness always
also with nothingness overshadows

sometimes i don't see the point of acting in front of others. if you're unhappy with something, why is it so difficult to voice it out? if you do really care, what's the purpose of lying to yourself and others, again and again by saying fuck i care? what's the point of holding such a pathetic like isn't it? no man isn't an island, that's true however a human without emotions would not make you who you are. if you really fic (fuck i care), then pls fic it yeng-ly!

role in your life, some parts are fixed some are not. we have to learn to face and accept it, for things which can't be changed or beyond God's limit. all of sudden i thought of this: a smiling person actually is crying in heart...

Reality Vs iLand

2010-06-26T22:03:00.004+08:00

Had a very fun+nice+happening trip in Scarborough, two days one night. The shops across the south bay are literally.. speechless? all are casinos or arcades wtf haha. Something had happened during the trip and they somehow had some stimulation on me, until today. yea, it had a strong effect on me.

365 days a year, 30 days a month, 24 hours a day, but how often do we live in reality? do we really know what're the things to be faced in future or we just live life to fullest as we can? life to fullest ain't doing something wrong but are we gonna assure whatever decisions that had been made and actions had been taken are correct? it's easy to say, no regrets on my way yet is it really that easy to be practice?

what's the point of thinking of a same matter again and again if you've never ever thought of changing it? NO POINT! even if you've strong determinations there ARE indeed things that you can really be NO effect on them. for those matters, just leave them aside and just leave them unrevealed. if you think you're well prepared of facing the consequences when the truth is being revealed you can then only be regarded as live life to fullest thereafter.

everything is in our hands but i understand there're some ppl who cant really put themselves in our shoes and there come hell if our closest persons in life accidentally figure those secrets out.

reality vs iLand
being honest vs things unsaid to be boxed and kept in a dark place somewhere heart forever

Feelings

2010-06-22T19:31:00.002+08:00

I've got my results yesterday, I've got a first class degree. I'm really not satisfied with my project mark, even until now I am still so.

If I'm holding the cards I was dealt as before, perhaps, would my strategy the same as before too?

Being two years in UK, and this is, my achievement.
'why didn't I work harder before this?'
'why did I take it for granted?'
'I've not done many things yet but why was I so confident that I can get a first?'
Have been hearing them from some part of my brains since yesterday.

I thought myself has already done a lot of work if compared to others, and always myself forgetting there're other people who are working even harder than I do. Frankly speaking, when I heard others getting higher marks than me, I feel sad. Not because they got better than me, but is that I feel shame for myself. Arrogantly I assumed myself will perform better than them for no reason!

Anyhow, thank God for guiding me, helping me all the way. Thanks for the blessings and supports. I should be satisfied with my performance with such kind of sucks attitude. No more complains! No more taking things for granted once I start working. It should be my practice from now on - strive for anything as hard as I can. No one would understand one's problem, only he himself understands, learns to face it and improve it, or will die in the end..

Getting it wrong at the first time is forgiveable, if repeating it again then you're just a jerk!

时光机

2010-06-21T07:53:00.004+08:00

不是时间冲淡一切
而是因为
随着年龄的增长
有更多的事情
涌进脑里
把过去的记忆
推入更隐蔽的地方

我刚才乘搭了时光机
回到过去
发现
其实一切都没有改变
造成伤疤的地方
看了后
都还是觉得有略疼痛

返回来了
慕然回首
要是时间重来
我还会重复吗

有时候还真想
赶紧地从这梦
醒过来。。

悲之梦恨之梦
爱之梦泪之梦
盼之梦梦中梦

简单的幸福

2010-06-16T07:04:00.004+08:00

肢体的障碍 VS 心灵的创伤

有时候平淡反而是最幸福的

心灵的残缺
是人间地狱
即时调整后
也是一个
无法改变的事实

简单的事情
往往是最难做到的。。

A long lost friend

2010-06-13T20:39:00.003+08:00

I was chatting with a person yesterday:

Normally I wouldn't feel upset like you though. As long as I don't behave kiasu or calculative then the rest will be fine. Definitely I'll long for friends' repay, I wish they could treat me well like how well I treat them too. But I struggled a lot by then when I was in first year and so I told myself, I'm the one who decided to treat them well, not like they force me to do so. Thus once I've decided to treat them well then whatever response they give is none of my business already. I just do my part.

What a believe I used to tell myself everyday last time. Indeed my long lost friend - Never blame for what you get after you've made your decision.

Thank you steph even though you won't be reading this. ;)

矛盾

2010-06-12T20:40:00.004+08:00

付出了就收不回
骂出了也收不回
期待了也许会失望
不期待绝对骗人的

得到了雀跃万分
过多后习惯了
失去后以泪洗脸
醒悟时自责再自责
醒悟后除了感慨，又再是伤心

在乎时情绪易失控
不在乎就没有感觉

很多时候其实是自己太自以为是
我找别人别人给回应
别人找我我也都给回应
不过事实上我找别人多过别人找我
所以没人找我的时候心里很不是滋味
结论：别再找别人了要懂得保护自己

到哀莫大于心死的那一天
即将是世界末日的一天
等待着黎明的来临
展望新的旅程碑

Rules

2010-06-12T10:44:00.002+08:00

If you obey the rules, you'll be fine

If you don't, you'll be expelled

BUT if you just obey without future planning, your life will be just so so

YET if you over do it, definitely you'll create loads of enemies

Play it wisely, and when luck is not with us we still have to keep on moving so that the game would not stop

If you lose the game, you just need to shuffle it

If you keep on losing, give yourself a break - look at other players' playings, definitely you'll learn something new

Anything unhappy happens, what can I do?

C'est la vie. That's life. Filter words before it comes out from my mouth: is it a good thing? Secondly, does it based on my own judgement? Lastly, the main one, is it really important to me?! if it's not important, FIC MEH!???

Weirdos

2010-06-12T09:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I'm quite amazed by the power of playing games together - we can see how the person react and behave.

Some ppl are like small things also wanna make a fuss, some ppl care about results, there're also ppl who don't care at all just chillax together.

Quite irritating isn't it??

Helpless Days

2010-06-10T20:40:00.002+08:00

Just finished watching a drama, and always I will compare myself with those actors/ actresses, how do they act, behave, their believes etc.

I've been telling myself to be strong and independent. Whenever I'm feeling unhappy or moody blogging will definitely help me out in a way.

Graduating in a month time; Seeing everyone leaving soon and so I. Some ppl don't express their feelings out, they rather keep everything to themselves, don't even blogging like me. How do they survive in such a way? I wonder why.. How can they just ignore all emotions and live like nobody business? The actress in that drama is behaving in that way too, since young.

I wish everyone could find a way for them to stop by whenever they feel like collapsing but things always don't turn out as how we thought, so near yet so far. Or they do prefer not to let anyone see that part of themselves? Contradicting? Yes it is. Sometimes we wish we could hold it tight but the subconscious mind is reminding us the other thing which we would not like to reveal.

May God bless me, guan gong bo bi! ^_^

2010-06-01T23:30:00.001+08:00

我要成功，独立，健康，乐观，快乐。相信上天的安排，有付出，自然就有回报。若没有回报，就只差没有缘分。随缘呗:)

回顾录

2010-06-01T06:50:00.003+08:00

转眼间明天就是六月一号了，再过一个月半就是毕业典礼了。。

这一段日子，有时过得不开心。太过介意朋友对我的态度，所以每次都想太多。
放开点吧。
别一直那么的自私，只在乎自己的感受。
你这样子，谁在你旁边也会觉得压力！

千万别在别人面前再次说出自己的想法了。
难道，不累吗？
为何每次要说自己过去的切身事情给别人听呢？
干嘛就不可以说很表面过去的事，像:我以前演讲很厉害的叻！！

心情不好，遇见别人，一定要说出来的咩？？谁教的？
为何到现在还是改不掉这个习惯，有什么不开心的事都要跟一个人诉苦？
那请问，这个blog的用处是来干嘛？
或问一句更直接的，

为什么要对人生那么多地不满？
为什么要对周边的人那么苛刻？
为什么只会看别人的缺点？
你自己很好咩？？
你以为你是谁？！？ＦＵＣＫ！

人，是为自己而活。
请改变自己对事情的价值观。

明天就开工了，祝我：开工大吉！！:D :D

Speechless

2010-05-31T07:00:00.004+08:00

Just got back from Portsmouth, had shower, and got totally speechless after coming out from kitchen.

The curry chicken and broccoli I cooked 4 days ago, remaining untouched.
The bowl I used 4 days ago, remaining untouched in sink.
Cooking oil which finishing, not being replaced.
The rice cooker someone used 4 days ago, I filled it with water before I left so that it'd be easier to wash, remained untouched.
Someone took my chair, the shirt I hung on it, was left on the floor instead of hanging it.

Is it really difficult to do all these little things? Or am I being too kind, just wash them up whenever I see it's being left there after more than a day and being considerate, will definitely hang that person's shirt up instead of putting on the floor or it'll get dirty?

I'm... totally speechless, again.

My dear God, PLEASE BLESS THEM!

A Note to those whom being Ignorant

2010-05-19T02:38:00.004+08:00

I'm not intelligent, that's why I work harder than anyone.

I'm weak, but it doesn't mean I don't have my pride.

I care about you all, but I don't like the feeling being ignored.

Today, you ignored me, I feel really upset, simply because I haven't known how to control my emotions.

In future, I'll prove to you, I can live without you, and tell you: Whatever you've done to me in the past, I've overcome it and now, I've succeeded!

奇怪的人类

2010-05-15T00:06:00.001+08:00

当人与人开心时，就会谢谢你为我做过这，谢谢你替我背黑锅等。不满时头脑却浮现不出这些话语呢？而是说从以前就不爽他这不爽他那。事后你跟他和好了，听你倾诉的人就会觉得你很假明明就不爽到max现在却谈笑风声，但在你的角度，你只是需要诉苦，因为人没有十全十美，他也可以在背后说你。

你会怎么做呢？

Failure

2010-05-10T05:20:00.002+08:00

I told myself not to be sad and down anymore few weeks ago,
I told myself, I WON'T GET EMO NOWADAYS ALREADY LA!
But, I repeated the same mistakes again yesterday and today.
I failed.

Definitely I'll feel sad when I get ignored, but isn't it just a small thing?
Yes it is, it is always a yes for the answer.

I'll strive for my own targets, it's just like few days left! Just within 2 weeks time man! I wouldn't care how others think on me anymore. Whatever they do, is their own business. Of course, you guys are still my friends.

A weakness of mine is, I can't stay to be unexploded. I MUST COMPLAIN IT OUT then only I'll feel much more better. Try to improve yourself CKT. Not improve, but upgrade. While everyone is moving, if I am still staying at the same point, I'll be left out in the end.

GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Human..

2010-05-09T05:55:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it's really hard to communicate with some ppl. Just simply so many kinds of them!

Some could be just so thick skinned until an extend I really feel hopeless! They don't only appreciate what you've done, but they're expecting more from you! wtf is this?!

A friend of mine copied my work, in fact, I was really disappointed that he didn't apologize. Not that I'm magnifying this issue, as he has already been marked lower mark than I. However, I think, he still needs to apologize for using my things! Or he should explain! What kind of ppl is this!?! thick skinned until this extend weiyhhhhhh! And the great thing is, he can still live like normal. What does this show? He doesn't give a damn and WHY SO I BEING ANGRY HERE?! WHAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM?!

CHILL WEIYH CKT CHILLLLLLLLL! GOD WILL BLESS YOU, YOU MUST TRUST THE POWER OF GOD! For those who have been looking me down, I'll prove to you all! That I'm indeed the great! 做人别欺人太甚!

Random

2010-05-03T07:22:00.002+08:00

It seems like I haven't been blogging for weeks. Have been really busy nowadays. Tuesday gonna do my final testing on the board, Wednesday gonna submit my final report, Friday gonna submit assignment, next coming Tuesday gonna be my Viva session, next coming Friday i-Phone assignment and then, final exams.

I've faced a lot of issues this year, from last year Sept until today. It's a totally different experiences as I had last year - Last year, I've learnt to being independent and alone. So much hard times I had already faced it alone. However this year, probably it's because I'm staying with my friends finally, no more being alone, I became being dependent again. Many things I can actually handle it on my own, many emotions I can actually keep in my heart. Yet always greatly I expressing my useless thoughts and emotions to friends around me and it has somehow become an annoying thingy.

Try to overcome all these emotions, words for myself tonight ;)

hot face Versus cold ass

2010-04-25T07:12:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really hate that kinda feeling, when you MSN/ text/ call a person, the other side just giving such an idiotic respond or just totally ignoring you.

I somehow got really frustrated at some point - when I MSN one of my friends I never received any replies. But like when in normal face to face conversation, we could talk nicely etc.

I really hope I can overcome this problem asap as I've been experiencing this problem for years! Always I feel really really bad when a person doesn't reply my text or MSN or phone calls especially when my closed friends do that to me. Sometimes I don't speak it out, as I'm afraid I'll make it even worse. Or probably it's myself who magnifying the problem where to them it's just nothing much!

Please, set yourself free. Needless to hope for replies anymore. Just tell yourself, try to avoid all these situations if possible since they could just ruin your whole day mood. The more you care, the more you disappoint.

One year older, one year wiser. Happy birthday to myself, and may myself be strong, determined, matured, happy, and healthy! :D

Grants

2010-04-15T02:39:00.002+08:00

I don't know how to appreciate,
I don't know how to cherish.
I only know how to compare,
Even to things which I can't reach,
And always take things for granted.

For once my friend told me,
He felt 'sim tia' sial,
When he saw his car covered with bird droppings.
"harrr but then I won't wan leh -.-"
"hmm, so you don't actually appreciate your dad's efforts do you?"
I paused and pondered...

Idiot, that's me.. =(

Suddenly fall in love with 0

2010-04-11T22:24:00.004+08:00

I sent a text few days ago, was just fooling around by saying: heard that got ppl going after you nowadays wor true or not if it's true then I say congrats to you first! Who knows the reply was: thank you so much! This's called dai sei! Wanted to fool others but got myself fooled in the end.

I was kinda.. emotionless that time, no even a bit of sadness. Maybe deep in my heart I've already known the answer and that's why I was really calm that night.

I hate to face reality, yet real answers are the one which my heart always seeks.. However like in this situation, the real answer is already revealed but how should I react? I don't know. In fact, I could smell a sense of helpless.. I, can't do anything for it besides accepting the fact.

Sometimes I feel good of being down to ground again. A new starting point of my life again, like now. No more regrets, whatever had happened in the past stays in the past. So, just follow the flow~ FLOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~~~ =D

The Road Not Taken

2010-04-08T19:22:00.002+08:00

Everyone faces ups and downs, and so I. I shall say I've reached the most bottom of my year few days ago. Thank god, I'm finally fine now. Somehow I just realised myself not knowing too much of things. Perhaps I overrated myself, I thought I'm fully capable to take up any kind of responsibilities and able to make a success..

No point of being down again. Everyone has their own worries and dependencies. If I keep on immersing myself into all these emotions how am I gonna be the one who taking care of others in future?!

Words to myself: Remember quoting yourself as Tat Gor The Great? Hope you didn't forget it. PLEASE, motivate yourself everyday. PLEASE, build up your own image at any time. and PLEASE, stay happy and good luck to you! Whatever you've decided, you then have to bear for the responsibility, as those are the answers from your heart aren't they? Respect to the road not taken, meanwhile, respect to your heart. Take care!

顾客

2010-03-28T13:05:00.002+08:00

刚才8点多时，来了一对父子。
Dad: What do you want? Mac?
Son: err.. (looking around, when we had eye contact he turned his face away) ok..

尤其是在他看我的眼神，而害羞地转头，
我的心犹如凉风阵阵吹过。。
想起每次我带我哥哥去kfc或mcd，
我也是问他同一个问题：gor，你要吃什么？
而我哥的答案比较可爱：我不懂，你说lehhhhhhhhh?(撒娇)

收钱后在装饮料时，泪珠在眼眶里滚动着。
我对那位父亲很客气，
因为，
不是所有父母都可以带着自己的智障儿出门的。

因为爱，
我们才懂得包容一个人；
因为爱，
我们才会无条件地奉献给一个人；
但，也因为爱，
我们，变成自私了！

做父母的，像我母亲，每天都带着我哥出街走走。
路上是有多少路人用着好奇地眼神看着他们阿？
有时候，
当我哥在大庭广众闹脾气大声骂，
又有多少人会用奇特地眼光看待他呢？
有时候跟他出去，
我会直接拉他去旁边警告他叫他给我听话点呢！

但，
遇过那对父子后，
我。。忽然很想念我哥哥。。。
他有次在kfc跟我二姐吃东西时忽然想起我而在那边当场哭了。

给大家的讯息：
智障，不是他们要的。
同样的，
同性恋，变态狂，精神分裂者等，
这些东西有时不是他们要的。
请不要带着有色眼镜看待他们。
每个人都是有感情的，
但不代表因他们的与众不同，
而因此获取大家‘特别’的爱戴与照顾。
千万别到哑子吃黄连油库自己知的地步，
才懂得体谅。
与大家共勉之。=)

For me being a wiseacre

2010-03-27T03:37:00.003+08:00

Arrogantly I thought myself is really that great;
Good in communicating with friends,
Good in observing every face expressions,
Good in taking care of their feelings,
etc

BUT, in their eyes,
am I behaving as what I thought?

APPARENTLY IT IS NOT!

A blossom friend of mine, we had a conversation on the MSN this noon: the longer we talk, the more childish you are I realised.

In fact, I stunned and stoned. Not to say I disagree with him, but, am I really behaving in such a way? Meanwhile, my heart was so warmth. At least there're still some true friends who are willing to guide me, telling me off whenever I'm going wrong.

Time for self review...

And lastly, thank you, my dear pet1 and uncle. =)